Life without Love
by zhyndia k
Summary: I suck at this but Zechs is angsting over Trieze. A challenge from a friend. Lots of implied m/m, but no citrus. Please R/R
1. In moments of certainty

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Life without love: Chapter 1  
  
A Gundam Wing fan fiction  
  
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DISCLAIMERS: Gundam Wing belongs to whoever created it (I forgot the name…) I took liberties with the story of Gundam Wing. First, this is presumed to have happened in a continuum where Endless Waltz did not take place. I gave Treize a sister and a family. I put shounen ai in for the Gundam pilots except one. I made Milliard run off with Noin but they didn't get married.  
  
"Life without Love is like a tree without blossom and fruit. And love without Beauty is like flowers without scent and fruits without seeds...Life, Love, and Beauty are three persons in one, who cannot be separated or changed."  
  
--Kahlil Gibran, "Vision"  
  
Sunrise.  
  
Only these moments of silence as the dawn breaks make me realize how wonderful it is to be alive in Earth. The dawn is full of eternal beauty, yet it is so ethereal as well. The ever changing sky only captures the dawn for a few moments, but it makes you wonder how often the dawn has passed by and how many people actually stopped to look at it in such a contrasting foreground of virgin snow and evergreen forest. The lush greenness of the forest and the scent of pine and other evergreens bring back the thought of how precious this life is. I only have one, not the proverbial nine lives of a cat. I feel a twinge of remorse for even thinking of destroying this world. But the almost destruction of this world let out the traits of people I had wanted to stress, the love for peace and the appreciation of this world. It had accomplished the goal I had aimed for, and so I am glad I had performed the role well. After a fashion.  
  
The sky is tinged with amber and rose, melting into white at the horizon where the sun would surely herald another beautiful day. I have a few more minutes before the former Gundam pilots and others wake up and begin a bustling day of relaxation in the onsens and ski slopes of this mountain resort. And my sister Releena will arrive today at noon, coming from a peace conference in the Space Colonies she had participated in. As Minister Dorian, she has so many things to do, so many things to attend to, so many people to talk to. For peace. The War between Earth and the Space Colonies seemed ages ago...the rest have begun to live relatively normal lives, enjoying work or college, not dwelling in the memories of the past, but only looking forward to the future they could see in the horizon.  
  
But for me everything seemed as if they had happened only yesterday...  
  
Treize.  
  
Somehow, I cannot help but think of all those moments we were friends while we were under the Federation. Friendships between a superior and an underling were rare, making ours seem all the more unusual and beautiful. After all, we had a similar background, as far as I could get from his sketchy background. It must have been fate that separated us then, before our friendship could develop into something more--permanent.  
  
This generation finds no problem in having these kinds of--friendships. Four of the Gundam pilots are happy with what's going on...I'm happy for them that they found joy in their lives, no matter with whom. After all, it's too little than what they deserve after the harsh soldiers' lives they had to live. No matter if it's a trifle--unorthodox. The fifth--he cared more about his Gundam than for human companionship.  
  
I'm glad we found this place for a week of vacation from the hectic city lives we now led. The young people were either working or studying college. We, the slightly older generation, had work everyday. Quatre had arranged for us all to meet anew and just hang around for a vacation. This was Winner property, after all. A lot of friendships and even enmities, no matter what sides we were in, had developed during the brief period we were all thrown together, and he had wanted to seize the chance for friendships to grow and enmities vanish. His relationship seems to be in order. Trowa and he shared the same room...and who knows what happens there. But then Duo and Heero did so too. I surely didn't expect those two to be more than friends, given Duo's radiant personality and Heero's--maybe I should call it reserve, for lack of a better term. But they were getting along fine as well. As well as two people with clashing personalities could anyway.  
  
The door behind me opens, and the other perennial early riser walks out into the balcony. Noin takes the recliner on the other side of the balcony. She had on a pale blue sweater Cathrine had knitted as an early Christmas gift for her. I got a similar one as well, but mine was white with gray. On her sweater, a series of navy blue geometric shapes was worked in a line just under the midriff. She smiles at me as she crossed her jean encased legs, holding a steaming mug of cappuccino in both hands. "Good morning."  
  
"Good morning, Lucrezia. Early again, I see." I take a seat on my recliner, turning away from the sunrise so I can focus on her and decent conversation.  
  
"Yes." She takes a sip from her mug. "Sally and Cathrine said we might go skiing later. We asked the others if they'd want to come, but they all had plans or something else to do. Even Une wanted to go tobogganing rather than ski. I guess she wouldn't want to ski after yesterday. Want to come?"  
  
"No. If I go skiing, I might end up skiing the whole day and forget to pick up Releena at the airport. I think I'll go read a book before that." I indicate the stack of hardbound books beside me. It was a part of the collection I took from my home in Sanque. She wrinkled up her nose at the titles she read.  
  
"Les Miserables in Russian, Anna Karenina in French, Kahlil Gibran, as well as the Divine Comedy in Italian. This is not resting, this is work!"  
  
"It's soothing. I'm planning to translate them into Japanese." There was an open notebook beside the books, filled with finely spaced kanji and kana script, nearly hiding the kanji dictionary under it.  
  
"Um...o--kay. Whatever makes you happy."  
  
"This makes me happy," I reply, a trifle irritated. I see the hurt look pass over her face, and regret my words. I again wonder what demon inside me prompted me to talk like that to her. Circumstances like these happened often when we were alone, and even I am getting uneasy at this repeating occurrence. She had been a friend to me all through these years, there was no reason to become angry with her. She was just expressing her distaste of my reading, nothing wrong with that, I told myself. She's a totally different person, she has her own tastes. No need to compare her to someone who is gone so long ago...  
  
`Treize would certainly understand why I needed to read this.'  
  
`No, don't think of Treize, think of something safe, something that wouldn't hurt! My mind screams. Like the mountain view, or even the peace of the Earth's countries. There is a lot of stuff that should get your attention right now. If you think of the past, think of White Fang, your sister, anything! Or think of the present, Sanque, or the peace talks. Just not Treize. Never Treize. Don't dwell on your loss anymore.  
  
My loss?  
  
I close my eyes, leaning on the seat. Noin takes the hint, and retreats back into the cabin. I pity her often as of late. There was no reason for her to be the target of my annoyance after all. She had believed in me back then. If I was to take up a cause she would believe in me now. She could become more than a friend, if I let it happen. She was an easy person to like, if not to love. Once we almost decided to marry, I don't remember why as I look back, but back then we even eloped. But I couldn't do this to her. I couldn't pretend I'd be able to love her. Up to now. Something stops me from letting myself feel anything more than camaraderie with her. Something that was related to the person who passed away three years ago, leaving me bereft.  
  
Why do my thoughts go back to him repeatedly? The time I could have had with him is gone forever. Whatever happens I'm still alive and he was still dead. He was now part of the nexus of stardust in the skies. He has returned to where he belonged, for he was as glowing, as engaging as the bright glitter of the stars. Someone said a beautiful phrase like that in a book. That we should remember that we are also stardust. Nothing would change the fact I am alone, unless that phantom of darkness takes me away to his realm of cold silence.  
  
It's not as if Treize and I were friends always. We often got to arguments, even about the most absurd things, though more often by philosophical and political issues. We fought for different sides, different ideals. He almost had me going for his side, until events changed my philosophy. He had charisma that made people listen to him. His flashing deep blue eyes spoke volumes whenever he undertook to speak in front of a crowd, as his voice shook with his conviction. I knew women could not resist him. Lady Une was one among the many who are willing to put their lives on the line for him. Late at night before I sleep, I used to wonder if they had been lovers. I don't know where they slept, anyway, underlings were not supposed to learn the quarters of their superiors. She was lucky then. She got a chance for her relationship with him to grow. I did not.  
  
Not that I wanted to be his lover. He would not have let me, I'm sure.  
  
But would he?  
  
Would I have wanted that?  
  
I don't want to think anything in those lines. Those are thoughts that should be kept under lock and key. A lot of the soldiers in the barracks were doing those stuff, sometimes because they didn't have any female companionship, and rarely because they actually fall in love with each other. Not me. I knew some soldiers had a sort of crush on me, but that wasn't important. I did not care for doing it back then. I was too full of things about dignity and differences in rank and all those crap. Now I had no reason to care about it.  
  
The smell of perking coffee reaches me, as well as the sound of batter fizzing on a frying pan. Quatre must be awake then, making breakfast. He always makes breakfast before the people from the main hotel ask what we would like for breakfast. Only late risers, a rarity among us, would have the hotel breakfast. Soon the others would be stirring as well. I'd better go in and fix myself something and then read in the balcony. It had become a retreat for me, where everyone knew implicitly they should not disturb me. Releena would land here around noon, and I was going to pick her from the airstrip. That left me the whole morning alone. As usual. Sighing, I step inside.  
  
The warmth rushes and engulfs me, and the sight of Quatre frying blueberry pancakes as Trowa read the newspaper seemed so domestic, so right, that I felt like an outsider who had no right to see them like this. Quatre turns at the sound of the opening door, and smiles. "Good morning, Mr. Milliard. Do you want some pancakes? I can make some for you easily."  
  
"No, thank you, Quatre. I'll just make a sandwich." He had grown into a kind and handsome young man, mature for his age, though his face still had a hint of faint girlishness. His soft blonde hair now touched the collar of his shirt, and brilliant ocean blue eyes brimmed with joy for everyone. He had taken a business course of some sort, or was it economics? No matter, he was now studying and garnering honors in his university.  
  
"But I insist!" Quatre walks to Trowa with a plate of the newly made pancakes. "Here you go, Trowa. I'll just get the maple syrup."  
  
"Thank you, Quatre." The look Trowa gives him made me turn to the fridge and get some orange juice, giving them a chance to give each other a morning kiss. When I turn back Quatre was pink, and Trowa had a satisfied look as he dug into the pancakes. These two were sweet enough to need no maple syrup. I lost all of my appetite to envy for their relationship, thought I mechanically eat from the plate Quatre set before me.  
  
"Shouldn't you be getting ready to arrange matters with the Winner Foundation?" I inquire. Now that Quatre was head of their family's businesses I had expected him to become a very busy person.  
  
He gives me one of his shy, sweet smiles, making him look younger than his age. "I do, but I have time enough to prepare breakfast for whoever is awake at this time." He takes a seat across the Heavy arms pilot, and proceed to eat as well. The moment passes in silence, then after he had raised his cup of coffee to his lips he start to speak again. "What are your plans for the whole day, Mr. Milliard? Releena is coming in today, isn't she?"  
  
"Yes. I'll pick up Releena in the airport at noon. There was no need to offer to send a private plane for her, Quatre. She has her own. Or a Sanque plane could pick her up. And you know she'd not agree, taking a flight from the local airline."  
  
"Quatre would insist she take his plane, at any rate," Trowa replies, folding up the newspaper and taking another forkful of pancake. He had shortened the hair falling to his handsome face, for his convenience. Though  
  
his green eyes were still partly hidden, he can now easily flick it to one side. His taste in clothing is still the same as in earlier years, and his turtleneck was a beautiful gray cashmere one that was Quatre's birthday gift for him. Only a part-time circus performer now, he has tried to specialize in illusions, setting up almost impossible escape tricks that still amazed me because I have no idea how he could do it. "And before you pick her up? Do you  
  
plan to ski?"  
  
"No, not this morning. Maybe this afternoon, so Releena would have someone with her on the slopes."  
  
"Surely all your plans don't figure with Releena?" Quatre jokes. "Releena might want to be alone with her new friend..."  
  
"Oh, you mean Hitoshi, the Japanese exchange student from the Space Colonies. I have met him already, and I think Releena will be fine with him. Well, if she wants to be unbothered by her older brother I can always read Les Miserables."  
  
"I think we have best set you up with someone. You need to enjoy the slopes. That's why we're here, at any rate." Trowa looks at his watch. "Well, seems like I'd better hurry up. I'm going to pick up our stuff from town."  
  
"I'll be coming with you." Quatre makes a move to stand up but Trowa stops him by a hand on the shoulder.  
  
"Oh no, finish your breakfast, Quatre. Can't let you get thin, you know." He gently pats Quatre's shoulder and leaves. Quatre smiles at me.  
  
"Trowa is always in a hurry. He got used to it when he was in the circus."  
  
"So I guessed." Silence anew, and I wait until Trowa was out of earshot. I clear my throat. "Quatre, can I ask you something?"  
  
"What?" Those trusting blue eyes are now directed to me, his fork hovering forgotten in midair. I understood why Trowa always protected him, why he called Quatre his precious angel when they were alone and thought no one could hear them. I feel like I'm about to shatter a piece of finely spun glass, if I go on speaking about what was on my mind.  
  
I am going to ask him how it was to be loved.  
  
I weigh my words. I don't know how he would react, whether he would rebuff me for the rather personal question I am going to ask. But having no experience at all in this matter, it would be best if I ask him. Duo and Heero are out of the question. Duo would graphically explain everything for hours, whether it was a reply to the question or not, and Heero would tell me to mind my own business, and at worst he'd have a gun pointing to my neck. Trowa would simply refuse to answer, but to ask Quatre was too dangerous...he was inherently gentle and fine, and I didn't know if he'd be saddened by the news that I knew.  
  
I don't know if Quatre is under the delusion that others thought he and Trowa were just good friends, and I don't know if the others thought they were that, but I didn't. I was aware of what they were to each other, just by each touch they made, each word they spoke to each other, and each smile they shared. And I envy them for the happiness they had.  
  
"It's rather--personal..."  
  
"Is it about Trowa and me?"  
  
My head shoots up, and I see he is still smiling. The fact that he brought it up himself reassures me. I'm now sure I can ask anything, as long as it wasn't too nosy or too perverse to think about asking.  
  
"Quatre, how does it feel to have someone--like Trowa?"  
  
His smile gets a contented look at it, and he is looking far from uncomfortable, not at all self-conscious. His eyes are directed to a distance. "Trowa is simply wonderful. I do not know how to explain it. We just connect to each other easily. When I need him he is always there, and he protects me as no one had protected me. I know that he is the haven I will need all of my life." His gaze returns to me. "Love is a feeling that spreads over your soul until you cannot live without it. It comes from a journey through what you need to prove it is between you. Whatever path it takes, whether full of joy or hardship, as long as it reaches its true end, and as long as you are willing to live through the whole thing, with the person by your side, that is love. You give and with every thing you give you reclaim an important part of yourself; your soul. To love, to live, those two things are interconnected. If I was asked to live without Trowa, I would die. If I was asked to sacrifice myself so Trowa will live, I will. We need each other that much--but I love him too much to see anything happen to him."  
  
"Oh." I look down, and think if that is the reason why I don't want to live. Is it because Treize is now gone? Quatre looks at me with understanding.  
  
"You miss him, don't you?"  
  
"Whaa???"  
  
"You miss Treize."  
  
For someone younger than me to know what I was thinking was a surprise. I stare at him, my mouth dry. Quatre pours a cup of coffee and gives it to me. I slowly drink, more to hide my ashen face from his inquiring eyes than anything else. "Treize is a person with lots of charisma. And he has this effect on people that made others listen. Anyone with eyes could see that. That you miss a friend of yours like that is natural."  
  
"A friend. Yes, he was a friend," I reply, almost thoughtfully. So Quatre thinks we were only friends, and to express hopes that it had been otherwise would be unusually loquacious of me. Or was it Quatre suspects something more, but did not wish to say anything? I cannot know. His blue eyes gives nothing away. I set the cup down. "I'd better finish my reading."  
  
"But your pancakes..."  
  
"I've eaten my fill. You are a good cook, Quatre. If I eat any more I will not be able to stand up." So saying, I head anew to the balcony. Quatre wishes me a good day and starts to clear the table.  
  
"Clearing breakfast, Quatre? Already?" Duo's cheerful voice comes from the door, followed soon after by his appearance. "Hello, Mr. Milliard. Had some of Quatre's delicious pancakes?"  
  
"Yes. Good morning, you two. Missed it again."  
  
Duo doesn't look like he minded, especially with an arm draping over Heero's shoulder. They are looking-well --mischievous, and that is unusual. It's like they're planning something that wasn't good. At least for their target. And I can only think of one person who'd be one...  
  
Quatre voices out my suspicions before I could. "I know Releena's coming from the Space Colonies today, Duo, and I hope you aren't planning anything bad." Quatre frowns at him when he tried to look innocent. "Anything even remotely mischievous is not allowed, okay?"  
  
"Aye, aye, Quatre. We just wanted to set a welcome for her and her guest. After all, Heero and I are glad she could come."  
  
Heero smiles at Duo, then seems to recollect himself. He starts to look as if he wanted to wish we were all out of the room, and I speculate why he didn't want anyone to know Duo was teaching him to cook. That is why they always pretend to wake up late. But I guess he doesn't want people to know Duo had talked him into doing something so domestic as cooking. After all, it'll ruin his image.  
  
Image. Yeah, I used to think image was important. I guess I lost my vain streak. Somewhere along the road, I must have lost interest in what I appeared to be before people. After all, now I believe that people see only what they want to see, no matter how much you try not to show that side of you. Strange, that. I no think it was frivolous, thinking about how you appear to other people, when things that are more important must be remembered. People to love, nature to appreciate, friends to be with you, that is all that is important.  
  
Heero looks from Duo to Quatre, and seem to make a decision. He set his chin more firmly, anyway. "Where are the blueberries?"  
  
Quatre's amazed to say the least. "Blueberries?"  
  
"Yeah, blueberries. For pancakes." His short explanation amazes Quatre further, and Duo steps in, grinning at Heero's suddenly flushed face.  
  
"We were going to make our breakfast, Quatre. I wanted blueberry pancakes, just like the ones you make, and Heero--er--volunteered to cook some, for me."  
  
Our breakfast. How right that "our" sounded in the sentence. It seems I would always be hit by envy when it comes to these pilots. They had someone, while I didn't. When he was gone for a long, long time...  
  
Suddenly, I don't want to see another blueberry pancake again.  
  
  
  
Ten fifteen.  
  
It seems almost like an eternity, the few hours I spend reading. Now Les Miserables lies between my fingers, unread. Even the romance of Marius and Cosette fail to capture my imagination. All I want to do is to think about the past. People say I've changed, that I dwell too much in the past, that I should look into the future. But I can't. I always remember that this future does not involve the person I think I want to be with. And I curse my luck anew, because Marius and Cosette drove the thought home: I need love. Just pure, unconditional love, the kind you can only dream to have. The kind of love that saves.  
  
I wonder if this kind of love existed. People think it does, but I haven't seen any sign of it. Most married couples I see fight, and the younger unmarried ones break up almost as easily as coming together. What did that leave me? The option to live with a woman like Noin, someone I can like but never love? Or dreaming of ghost who'll never come back to life?  
  
The door opens anew, and this time it is Wu fei who comes out. His white coat was made of wool, a warm material. He smiles faintly and looks out on the mountains. "Good morning," he says, nodding at my direction. I greet him as well.  
  
I must admit, I do not feel comfortable in his presence. When I remember that he is the reason why Treize is dead, that he killed Treize while on board Epyon, when I think how lonely I feel...sometimes I want to run away from this Chinese pilot's presence. Other times I want to kill him. I don't know whether I should trust him or whether I should treat him as an enemy. I stare at his black ponytail, thinking of words to drive him away.  
  
"I won't vanish, you know," he abruptly says, and he turns his head. I raise my eyes to meet his mocking ones. "I just wanted to enjoy the view, nothing wrong with that, right?"  
  
"Yes, of course. I do not own this balcony. You have every right to be here." I know I sounded sarcastic, but I couldn't help it. He makes me freeze with something that was half-hatred, half-pity. The hatred part for killing Treize and leaving me in this limbo, the pity part coming from being so emotionless. I'd rather have this limbo than being encased in ice. I flip open the until then forgotten book on my lap.  
  
"We've started to call this Milliard's balcony, you know," he comments. "The only thing you need here is a person to play the part of Romeo and we can do the balcony scene of Romeo and Juliet."  
  
He has faced me, and he seems to be part of the landscape, the white snow, the black ebony of the balcony railing, and the cool expression on his face. He must have been carved from the same ice in the North Pole, or Siberia. Makes me wonder if he ever loved anything more than the clinical affection he had for his Gundam.  
  
"Thank you. When I start casting for a Romeo you will head my list." I may sound a little too sarcastic, but I was dazed with something. I don't know what he knew, I don't know what he could do. Of all the Gundam pilots, he is the most unreadable. He turns to face me, leaning lightly on the balcony railing. He smiles again.  
  
"I think Treize would suit better, right?" There is a mock-innocent twinkle in his eye. I freeze. "He is strong, a good fighter. He is one to admire, Milliard. Also, he can memorize the lines better than I can. Am I correct?"  
  
`Liar,' I thought. He was a scholar. What kind of scholar would be bad at memory work? "Now why should you ask me that?" I parry. I know where this talk was leading, and I don't want it to go there. I stand up and make noises of leaving.  
  
"Leaving me alone to meditate? Or running away from yourself?" He turns back to the mountains. Silence descends on us. "I think you just don't want to admit what the others have admitted already."  
  
"I have nothing to admit." I'm nearly quaking, I know, but what he had said injured my pride. I not admit I loved Treize? I have admitted it to myself a long time ago, and at the same time, I damn myself for it. I wait for him to continue.  
  
"I had a wife, you know. A long time ago." His gaze remains on the pine trees in the distance as his voice softens. "We never got the chance to get to know each other properly. I still regret we haven't. It was an arranged marriage between her and me, something about family honor and the like...if she was alive, I wonder if I would have become a Gundam pilot. I called my Gundam Shen Long, if you could recall. Meiran...my wife--she would have loved that name, she would have loved to pilot that hunk of metal. I was a scholar, and I know, it seemed strange, but in our family, I was the only scholar, and I don't know whether it was a good thing or bad thing. But I married Meiran, and that was why--" He turned away and leaned against the balcony, his eyes soft with emotion I couldn't identify.  
  
"Our life together was so short. Maybe we'd have done better not to fight all the time, but it was our way to settle differences, and it was fun, the making up after. It was the first time I met a girl who seemed to be more a man than a woman, with her own fire, her own mind. And she would not let me stay in the house reading. She'd take me out, to look at the parks, to enjoy, so much...so much...I'd not have wanted to pilot that Gundam, in fact, if my wife--"  
  
Of all the Gundam pilots, it was only Wu fei who did not reveal his emotions. Heero knew the idea of mission and duty to a point near machine- like acuity. I don't think being manic is an emotion, but it is a sign of caring for something. Duo loved to make life fun for everyone around him. It was the American in him, I guess. Quatre was gentle and held a certain kind of energy in check, all the time. He cared for everyone, and was probably the most motherly of all the guys I have met. Trowa was cool and calm, and always his actions were planned, but all four turned into fighters the moment they step into their Gundam. Wu fei...Wu fei only had sarcasm and hate for everyone he met. It was strange for a young person to reveal that amount of hate, especially for Treize.  
  
"But you--you piloted Shen Long."  
  
"I became a Gundam pilot so as to be able to live in her dream."  
  
"Oh."  
  
My mind's in turmoil. I had always thought of Wu fei as cold. I must admit that. But this...I didn't know he had loved, that he could love. Somehow I found him more--approachable after finding that out. But I can't forget that easily. I'm not a fool to think I'll ever forgive him for letting Treize die. No, for killing Treize.  
  
Though I think we could even be friends.  
  
"Why?"  
  
My question was to the point. I have to know why he wanted to kill Treize.  
  
"He didn't withdraw the troops soon enough. That decision caused me my wife."  
  
"She fought the troops sent to your colony?"  
  
"She was the first to charge up to them. She was also one of the first to die." His eyes are filled with bitter memories. I sense he was reliving the anguish he had felt then, and keep silent. It is obvious he loved her enough to be thinking to die was better than living. He knew that in death he would find Meiran, and so chased that thing, that release to be with the one he loved.  
  
That's why he didn't care what happened to him, whether he lived or died.  
  
I pity him.  
  
"What do we have here?" His eyes strays at the pile of books on the chair beside mine. He touches Les Miserables reverently. "I didn't know there was a copy here... it's been a long time since I've read this. Hello, Valjean, Javert." His accent made the names sound strange.  
  
"If you want, you can read it."  
  
"I haven't seen a copy of this since--since--a long time ago." His voice becomes choked. I know he wants to say "--since Meiran was alive." but he couldn't bring himself to admit it. Not in front of me. Probably not in front of anyone. Yet.  
  
"I know of a bookshop which specializes in these kinds of books. Most are good editions that can be called antiques in their own right. Why don't you read this? I've read it through a couple of times. But aren't you going skiing with Sally and the others?"  
  
"I'd prefer to read this to that infernal sport they call skiing."  
  
I grin. I heard of his fiasco on the slopes, and I didn't want to tease him about it, more out of consideration for myself than for him. He can get mighty touchy sometimes. And that was bad for anyone in his vicinity.  
  
"Go, take it and read it for a while. It'll be your excuse to not go skiing."  
  
He picks it up and silently left. I wonder more about his wife. He mentioned her name. Meiran. An amazing woman, to have made a stubborn person like Wu fei fall in love with her and admit it to anyone at all. He had mellowed a lot from the years, so different from the taciturn young man I knew before. Maybe it wasn't just me who've changed. Maybe all of us changed because of that war. Maybe all of us became better for it.  
  
I'd better get ready to drive to the airport or not be able to pick up Releena.  
  
  
  
I sit alone in the waiting area, bored as I read a newspaper discarded by someone. I could see why Quatre asked me if I was going so soon as I left. Luckily my driving slowly lengthened my travel time. I have a good ten minutes wait for the plane. Well, it was nice to watch families off for a holiday crowding in the waiting area. Nice, but I feel a depressing ache deep inside me. I can never have a family, a complete one. Releena was there, but I will not see her again for a long time after this. She's busy too, up in the Space Colonies while I had things to do in Sanque.  
  
"Mr. Zechs Merquise?"  
  
I turn when I hear someone call my by my old name. I had discarded it along with traces of my old life. I also had stopped wearing my hair loose, keeping it braided back. I'm even considering cutting it. I know people looked at me, for my pale hair was striking. But I did not expect to be accosted by a stranger, staring fixedly at me.  
  
The stranger 's a young woman, with brown hair bleached to blond by staying long under the sun. She's poised and tall, her bearing that of the old aristocracy. There was a sharpness in her features, but not enough to make her look pinched. Instead she appears--elegant. The warmly piled cashmere sweater and tailored black jacket bespoke of a name designer. And her thick light brown hair fell in rich waves over her shoulders.  
  
But it's her eyes, her deep blue eyes beneath unusual eyebrows that shocks me to silence.  
  
Treize's eyes.  
  
"I guess you have no idea who I am," she states, a bit amused by my shock. "Or you see a resemblance I know shocks you. I am Ewizge Engel Ivanvova Khushrenada, Treize's sister. I am pleased to meet you, Mr. Merquise."  
  
"Sister?" I didn't know he had a sister.  
  
"Treize must have forgotten to mention us to you. Strange, when he could only talk about you when he sees us. I surprised you by my name. It is a trifle too hard on people when they hear it; it's a mouthful. Please, call me Angel, it's so much easier for people to pronounce." And she smiles. Had I not believed her to be Treize's sister I would have believed her when I saw that charming, charismatic smile slowly forming on her lips. It was Treize's to life.  
  
"I am please to meet you, Miss Khushrenada. Alone?"  
  
"No. My parents are actually there, waiting for me to bring you over to them. Would you please humor them? They'd want to see you. We've heard a lot about you from Treize, Mr. Merquise."  
  
"What have you heard?"  
  
"Oh, you know..." She suddenly looks like a young girl facing her brother's college friends. I smile. "What a great soldier you are, that kind of stuff. Anyway, I'm sure you've heard yourself described that way countless times. Are you on vacation too?"  
  
"Yes. I am staying with some of my friends in a cabin owned by Quatre Winner. I am to meet my sister here. She's coming from the Space Colonies."  
  
"Oh, Minister Dorian. He told us about her too. Interesting, how he seemed to like both of you immensely. Maybe because both of you are so stubborn. He is as well."  
  
Is--I noticed. Maybe to them Treize was not yet dead, maybe to them Treize still lives in their memories, just as he did in mine. I feel an immediate bond spring up with his family, for despite the fact I just met one of them today, they also react to their loss as I do. I must have looked preoccupied, because she spoke up again.  
  
"Please, would you join us, Mr. Merquise? We are also waiting for the flight from the Space Colonies to Earth."  
  
"I go by my real name now. I am called Milliard Peacecraft now."  
  
"Then forgive me for calling you Mr. Merquise, Mr. Peacecraft. It's just that it had become a habit because of hearing you being called that by Treize."  
  
"That is all right. Your parents--?"  
  
"I think they got tired of waiting for us. Here they are. Mama, papa, I was right! It is Mr. Merquise, but he is called Milliard Peacecraft now."  
  
I turn to see an elegant couple that wore their age well. The man had the same look as Treize, and though his hair was now more silver than black, it was striking to look at him. The woman was more approachable, cast in the same mold as Lady Une, only that she smiled more often and had kind blue eyes. I see that she was the one from whom Treize and Angel got their unusual eyes. "I am pleased to meet you, Mr. Khushrenada, madam."  
  
"And so are we, Mr. Peacecraft," the man replied.  
  
"So you are the young man Treize always talks about." Mrs. Khushrenada fairly beams at me. "I see you are as handsome as your pictures, Mr. Peacecraft."  
  
I wonder where they saw my pictures. I was as a rule camera-shy. Angel turns to me. "Yes, you do look exactly like your pictures. My older brother would like to meet you too, I'm sure, when he gets here, that is. He's due any minute now. In fact, we're waiting for the same flight you are because he's in the same flight as Minister Dorian."  
  
"Brother? Treize--"  
  
"There he is! Hey!" Angel suddenly runs towards the arrivals gate, where my sister is now standing with a slim young man in a dark blue woolen coat- that was Hitoshi--and a tall, lean man. He was dressed in slacks and a long black coat, closing down the front with cloth covered buttons, collar lined with sable. Everything melted behind this man. The scene is blurred behind him. I don't even glance at my sister. He is looking at me with dark blue eyes.  
  
I must be in a dream. Or a nightmare.  
  
He is coming towards me. He extends his hand out, taking mine in it. I can only stare at him helplessly as I feel the solid warmth of his hand engulf mine through our gloves. "Hello, Zechs," says a well-remembered voice.  
  
Treize was alive. 


	2. Wish

============================  
  
Life without love: Chapter 2  
  
A Gundam Wing fan fiction  
  
============================  
  
DISCLAIMERS: Gundam Wing belongs to whoever created it (I forgot the name…) I took liberties with the story of Gundam Wing. First, this is presumed to have happened in a continuum where Endless Waltz did not take place. I gave Treize a sister and a family. I put shounen ai in for the Gundam pilots except one. I made Milliard run off with Noin but they didn't get married.  
  
"Life without Love is like a tree without blossom and fruit. And love without Beauty is like flowers without scent and fruits without seeds...Life, Love, and Beauty are three persons in one, who cannot be separated or changed."  
  
--Kahlil Gibran, "Vision"  
  
I don't remember what I did when I first saw him. Maybe I paled, maybe my mouth dropped open. Maybe I forced myself to stand still. Maybe I looked down on my feet. Maybe I started to cry. I have no idea. The next thing I am aware of is he is looking down at me with puzzled dark eyes. Angel and his parents are talking, as well as Releena, but I don't hear a word they said. They must be talking about how the peace negotiations are going on, but I don't know. I am too preoccupied with the words running in my head.  
  
My first coherent thought is, is he real?  
  
The next is, how did he survive?  
  
But he is real. If I just reach out with my hands I will touch him, his body, his solid, real form, and I'm even sure I don't have to try that. His hand is real, it can't be a phantasm that comes from my head, I can't fake this feeling of solidity and human flesh. His breath is warm against my cheek.  
  
"Zechs, lost your tongue?" he asks, smiling.  
  
"I--I'm called Milliard now." At least my tongue is still working. In a fashion. My mouth still feels dry, and my tongue feels swollen and too raspy for it. I swallow hard. I am sure everyone in the airport heard it.  
  
"Milliard?" He looks at me blankly. "Well, yes, I figured you were called by your real name now, when Releena here kept talking about her brother Milliard and how she wanted to see everyone again. I just wanted to tease you. What? Lost your sense of humor?" And then he smiles his old charismatic smile.  
  
I smile back. "No, I haven't. Just that having two people call me Zechs Merquise within an hour has caught up with me. I feel like I'm back in the Federation."  
  
"You don't look like the Zechs I knew, Milliard. For one thing, you arrange your hair differently." He fingers the end of the braid. "You look good in a braid. A trifle feminine, but good." He grins, and he looks like a boy with a prank. I feel a tugging sensation on the end of my braid. I glare at him as I catch his hand to stop it.  
  
"Don't touch my hair!"  
  
He smiles indulgently, like a father allowing a child his anger about a favorite toy being mishandled. "Don't worry, it's not as if I ruined your hair..."  
  
"Eh, brother! You've been monopolizing Mr. Peacecraft here!" Angel breaks into the conversation. She hugs him tightly. "I missed you so. Releena is inviting us to go with them for luncheon. I swear I'm starving."  
  
"Milliard, it's so nice to see you again! Did you miss me?" Releena hugs me too, and I smile over her head to Hitoshi. He looks uncomfortable, out of place among families greeting each other for the holidays. He moves forward, and is introduced to the Khushrenadas.  
  
"Of course I missed you. You're my sweetest sister in the whole world and galaxy," I exaggerate.  
  
She punches me playfully. "I am your only sister, dummy!" Our relationship has become more robust over time, as if we really grew up together fighting in one house, when it isn't true. I guess it's a way to catch on lost time, on childhood memories we never had, like cotton candy in a circus, trips to the zoo, walking home together from school...we've shared quite a few secrets over the past years, but still I haven't told her of my great secret--shall we call it crush? I don't know what it is actually, but it's there, the feeling. I feel like I've melted under the sun, seeing him alive again.  
  
Hitoshi comes to view again, and I talk to him while Releena talks to Angel anew about fashion or some other feminine thing.  
  
"Nice to see you again, Hitoshi. How are your studies in the Space Colonies?"  
  
"Interesting to say the least, Mr. Peacecraft. I have good teachers to teach me. Though I sure am glad for this break." He smiles, his unusual yellow eyes shining. He nods at Treize, and Angel draws him into the Khushrenada family circle. I see Releena and Hitoshi look at each other for a moment, turning faintly pink, and Releena attaches herself to me anew.  
  
"Any developments in that regard, Releena?" I ask, nodding at Hitoshi. Releena reddens some more, and laughed, nodding her head. She looks like a young girl instead of the serious teenager she has become. She often wears her hair in a ponytail or braid, with her bangs parted similar to how she wore it when she was in Oz dress code. She is prettier that way. I smile and shake my head. "You're growing up too fast for your brother, young woman."  
  
"But it's just that you don't want to get settled or anything, that's why..." She twirls a lock on her finger. I have learned to associate that gesture with mischief concerning me. "If you want, I can set you up with someone..."  
  
"Oh, no, you don't!"  
  
"Whatever you say. But Milliard, would they have lunch ready when we get there? I sort of invited Treize and his family--"  
  
"We'll dine at a restaurant then. I have reservations...I'd better call the restaurant though."  
  
"Thanks, Milliard!" Releena leaves me to join Hitoshi in getting her bags at the conveyor belt. Treize materializes beside me, holding a suitcase himself.  
  
"I forgot to ask you this, but are you surprised I'm here?"  
  
"Yes, I am. I thought--I--well after the news...I--never mind..." I look down on my feet in confusion, see him step closer. I'm getting dizzy with desire to kiss him.  
  
Kiss him? In front of Releena and everyone here? I shake my head, clearing it. And I realize I had taken a step back, moving farther from him. He looks remote all of the sudden. He's asking which restaurant we are going to dine. I must have made a reply, because he goes to his parents telling them where they are going to dine. I wonder if he knows the way, and if ever I should tell them the directions.  
  
"I think we can get there. I seem to remember where it is. Shall we go before you?" Treize's beside me again, and I'm getting goose bumps at the way we gravitated towards each other. Or is it just because of the dinner arrangements that he kept moving towards me? I don't care. I'm still feeling weird as it is.  
  
"I don't mind. I'd better call the restaurant to tell them you'll be coming..." I reach for my cell phone and talks for a while with the maitre'd, aware that Treize is looking at me the whole time as if I was something similar to an oasis in the desert. And I shake my head for pretending it mattered at all.  
  
But it does.  
  
  
  
"There must be a small mix up, and I'm sure it can be cleared immediately, monsieur," I tell the maitre'd. But he shakes his head, smiling, and nods significantly at Treize, lounging beside his sister. Treize is talking to his father about his activities in the Space Colonies, but I get the feeling he was listening to our whispered conversation.  
  
"Monsieur Khushrenada has paid for the meal, Monsieur Peacecraft. Everything has been settled before you came." He lowers his voice even more. "I understand it is a present, a belated one, for your sister's birthday..."  
  
I glower at him and think I'd deal him bodily harm if he didn't explain himself soon. He turned slowly to face me, his face a mask of puzzlement. "Do you smoke, Mr. Khushrenada?" I ask his father. I was aware Treize did, but would I ask him to the smoking room directly? No way, that is obvious that I want to talk to him. "I am feeling a need for an after luncheon smoke."  
  
"Oh, no, can't abide the habit. Treize does. And you, Hitoshi?"  
  
"I do not smoke, Mr. Khushrenada. But if you would like to go to the smoking room, Mr. Peacecraft, we will not detain you anymore."  
  
I stand up, and Treize stands up as well. "I think I'll go for a smoke as well..." He smiles blandly at me, and I want to maim him, slowly, painfully, until he'd be groaning in pain. We walk to the smoking room.  
  
"What is this all about, Treize?" I ask him when we are far away from our table. He holds the door open for me. "Why did you pay? I'm the one who's supposed to treat all of you--"  
  
"What, and miss that look of incredulity on your face? No way." Sitting down on a leather armchair across mine, he takes out a cigarette pack from inside his jacket, and offers one to me. I take it, lighting it with my lighter. He holds out his cigarette to be lit. We smoke for a while before he replies. He looks at me in amusement. "Don't worry, I didn't overspend or anything in buying you lunch, Milliard. And so what if you invited us? It wasn't part of your plans to have four other people into your intimate luncheon with your sister and her friend."  
  
"But still, Treize--" I am exasperated with him, and his nonchalant pose, leaning back with his legs crossed, blowing smoke, makes me even more angry. "I am the person who invited you, or rather, my sister did, representing me, and so I have to pay for the lunch. Get it?"  
  
He blows out another smoke ring. "Milliard, stop troubling yourself. It's already paid for. You can't stop me even if you wanted to, because I did it before you got here."  
  
"Let me pay you, then..."  
  
"Milliard," his voice now holds a warning note. "Don't be stupid. I don't want you to think you're obliged to pay for anything, okay? I did so by my own volition, my own free will, etc., etc. so just let this be."  
  
"I won't. Treize Khushrenada, you should let me pay for the lunch! As I said, it's my debt, since my sister, not yours, not anyone else's, invited your family...it's a matter of principle."  
  
"What principles? Admit it, it's a matter of pride. It's not honor, it's your pride that's hurt. These principles you're talking about, what are they? Honor, obligation? I think I threw the whole bunch of crap about having to do what is right because you have to out of the window when I resigned from Oz, and I'd prefer if you did too. What's the use of doing it if it's against you will? It defeats the whole plan. If you're going to stick to your damnable pride, fine, but I won't let you use this chance for your ego." He takes a drag on his cigarette, and blows. "Haven't you relaxed since then, Milliard?"  
  
"No, I haven't. I'm still something in Sanque, now that Releena is peace minister. And no, it's not my pride, if that's what you're saying. I want to do what is right, which is completely different from doing it because it's right."  
  
"Just enjoy your smoke okay?" A few moments' silence. "Milliard, doesn't this feel like old times?" He smiles, and I remember. He used to take me to town for a dinner and smoke and after that, we'd argue who pay the bill. We usually split it, though. And then we'd argue all the way back to Oz.  
  
"Yes, but we split the bill then."  
  
"Then you pay for dinner the next time we're in town. Fair enough? I'll even be the one to invite you and Releena..."  
  
"I guess so. But really, Treize--"  
  
"You haven't changed much, have you, Milliard?" He suddenly says, and I stop in midsentence. In some ways I have changed, especially concerning him. I want to kiss him, hug him, and tell him I loved him. But I mustn't. I won't. I can't.  
  
"Lady Une's staying with us," I reply, changing the subject. He stares at me as if I suddenly grew two heads. He must have forgotten all about her, then. Or is it finding out she is so near to him?  
  
"She is, isn't she?" He shrugs. It's so casual I almost fall for it. But I know him too well. He's thinking hard, and that it involved her is obvious. "Maybe I'll stop by one of these days where you're staying..."  
  
"Treize--" I look away. It hurt when he obviously wants to see Une. Not me, Une. I stub my cigarette in a nearby ashtray and stand up. "We'd better get going..."  
  
He seems to be still preoccupied. He stubs his as well. "Yeah, I guess so. Let's go."  
  
There it is again, his habit of agreeing without seeming to want to. I can sometimes strangle him for it. I hate to force him to go out of the smoking room when he obviously wanted to smoke some more. Or is it because he was reluctant to leave because we both have to be with our families again? I'm not sure, and I don't want to find out.  
  
Why?  
  
If it turns out he just wanted to smoke, I'd be hurt. I prefer thinking he just wanted to be with me. Even for just a while. And in these moments I'd store up memories about him. The scent of his aftershave mingling  
  
with that of his cigarette. The solid planes of his sculpted face. The way his hair brushed the top of his collar. I sounded like a lovesick girl, but I can't help it. He's Treize. He has that effect on people. At least the people I know.  
  
And who could help it? I'm sort of in love with him after all.  
  
  
  
"I didn't expect--this! Oh, Milliard!" Releena is hanging around my neck, and I am surprised by it as well. Obviously, the people left in the cabin have decided to make the snowman for Releena, and I'm not in the surprise. Wait till they hear my surprise for them, I think, thinking of Treize, very much alive. I smile and see Heero and Duo standing by their creation, both of them covered in snow. "Releena! Duck!" Duo cries out, just as the first snowball from nowhere whizzes past her and hit me. Heero has surprisingly bad aim when it comes to snowballs.  
  
"Surprise attack!" Releena squeals, and starts to gather snow for her retaliation. Hitoshi immediately follows, and I join them, getting ourselves a barricade with the pick up. When we declared ourselves losers (having ended up blockaded from any more snow supply. I tell you, three against all the occupants of the cabin is not a fair battle) we are escorted into the cabin to hot snacks prepared by Quatre and Noin. We are all exhausted, but Releena enjoyed the welcome, though her coat was wet through. Hitoshi swipes his hair back, but soon when they dry up they'd fall back in the deep brown waves reaching his collar that was his trademark. He's also wet. He looks surprised but glad about the friendly atmosphere he got into. I remember then that like most of the others he was already an orphan since a young boy, and as an only child had no siblings for companionship, even when he was left a nice estate in Japan. Probably this was the first time he got into a group such as we are.  
  
"Hey, Releena, Heero got you this one!" Duo shouts, handing her a CD. "It's an RPG collection we've been saving up for the homecoming of Milliard's princess. Neat. I have one too."  
  
"Thanks, Heero!" She smiles. She is aware that Heero and Duo were--friends, and had given up all claims on the Japanese pilot. "I'm glad you welcomed me and Hitoshi so--effusively." We laugh at her description. "Hitoshi, these are my friends from way, way back. The one glowering there beside the braided one is Heero Yuy."  
  
Heero tries to smile so as to dispel Releena's accurate description of him as Hitoshi shakes his hand. "Pleased to meet you. Do you like RPGs? We have a whole collection of games, and some of them are legends."  
  
"Yes. I actually am into a lot of things when it comes to my computer. I'm taking a software design course." Heero and Hitoshi are sizing each other up, as if Hitoshi knew who Heero was before, which he did, and Heero wanted to know if this guy deserved Releena. I guess they came to a truce because of their love of software and their computers.  
  
"Now the one beside him is Duo Maxwell. He's a--er--very cheerful person, being an American."  
  
"Hi, buddy! You dating our girl here?" He nudges Hitoshi, who grows slightly pink. Hitoshi couldn't answer, and Releena had bloody murder in her eyes for the American. Luckily, Quatre steps in the breach.  
  
"Duo! I thought I said no mischief. I'm Quatre Raberba Winner, at your service." Quatre steps forward to shake Hitoshi's hand. "And this is Trowa Barton. He was a circus performer once, but now we're studying in the same university, performing illusions once in a while."  
  
"I think I saw you once before, Mr. Barton. You deal with daggers, am I correct?"  
  
"Yes. Call me Trowa. And here is Cathrine, a fellow circus performer."  
  
"Nice to meet you. We hope you enjoy your stay here. Oh, and here are Sally, Lucrezia and Une. Sally, Une, meet Hitoshi, Releena's friend." The three women are coming from the kitchen, bearing more food and eggnog.  
  
"Good afternoon. Did you have a nice trip?" Une smiles at him, setting the tray on the table before sitting down beside Wu fei. She was in her Lady Une appearance, her long brown hair hanging free. Sally nods and stands by Une.  
  
"Hope you have a nice stay here. I am Sally Po. Lucrezia--"  
  
Noin moves forward. "Sorry I didn't get to introduce myself earlier. I was busy in the kitchen. I am Lucrezia Noin. And here's Chang Wu fei. He's a scholar and likes to ski." The others snicker at the reference. Wu fei takes it stride but gives them a glare before they could burst out laughing.  
  
Wu fei stands up and bows. "Hajimemashite. Chang Wu fei desu. Dozo Yoroshiku onegaishimasu. Daijoubu desu, ka?"  
  
"Daijoubu desu. Hajimemashite. Kato Hitoshi desu." He bows. "Dozo Yoroshiku onegaishimasu."  
  
"Why didn't you tell us you spoke Japanese, Wu fei?" Sally asks.  
  
"Why should I?" he retorts, face deadpan. Sally shrugs in defeat.  
  
"I'm all so pleased to meet you. Please, just call me Hitoshi." He smiles. "I am sure glad to see you all accepted me so easily. I was rather afraid you would all take a dislike of me."  
  
"And why so, Hitoshi? A friend of Releena's is a friend of ours." Duo nods. "You'd better--er--get used to us, though. We can get a bit weird-- sometimes. Wu fei sleepwalks at night, for example, so don't wonder if you hear anyone walking late at night."  
  
"I--DO--NOT!!!" comes the adamant retort. Wu fei jumps up, ready to fight anyone who dared contradict him. Duo grins, with a "see-what-I-mean?" look to Hitoshi. I shake my head.  
  
"Duo, I think you shouldn't give Hitoshi ideas about our sanity. We are all sane here, by the way, even if some of us--" I give a significant look to Wu fei, who grows calmer. "--may appear to be more blood thirsty than the common run."  
  
"Oh, I think I'll be fine here." He smiles at Releena, and Duo ogles at them as Quatre tries unsuccessfully not to do the same. There's something between Releena and this boy that I couldn't explain. It's a field of awareness creeping to their surroundings. I wonder if this is what love is truly was between two people of different genders. I've seen a lot of what the Japanese term shounen ai with those Gundam pilots doing their stuff, but I haven't seen this radiance before occurring between two people I know so well. Releena acts more mature, more responsible, but her eyes are filled with happiness as she gazed at Hitoshi. And there was the same something in his gaze.  
  
I know my sister didn't need me anymore.  
  
What does that leave me then? A life alone? A life with someone I like but don't love? Or a life trying to say what my feelings are to a certain person? Releena is talking about their trip to the others.  
  
"Oh, and then there was Treize in the plane with us, because he's working in the Space Colonies, and we talked during the whole trip about stuff--"  
  
Stunned silence greets Releena's statement. They are all staring at her as if she has grown another head in front of us. I clear my throat, aware I should have told them first. But there is no helping now. "Treize was there in the airport and was met by his family. We had lunch with them in town, that's why we're so late coming back."  
  
"Treize?" Une speaks up first. Her tone is twist of a scalpel in my heart. I know it. She wants to see Treize again. And Treize had told me he was going here to see her. Personally, I had rather wanted to have him for myself, to keep the knowledge of his living to me but now that they knew...  
  
"I see." Quatre appears unperturbed by the tensions that rose around us. He is as always a diplomat. "Well, if Mr. Khushrenada and his family would like, I think we have a nearby cabin which is vacant."  
  
"I'm sure they have plans." Hitoshi steps into the breach this time, aware of the strange differences in the air after the announcement of Treize's existence. "Anyway, it appears to me we'd better go up and get something dry, or else we'll all be sick with a cold. Don't you think so, Releena?"  
  
"I agree with Hitoshi. Come on, everyone, let's go up and change. By the way, where will we be sleeping? I mean, you did make space for us, right? I don't want to sleep in the sofa." Releena smiles, disarming everyone.  
  
"Oh, you'll be bunking with me, Releena!" Lucrezia comes forward. "Hitoshi will be staying with Wu fei. If that is okay with you both, that is?" She glances at them inquiringly. Releena nods, a sign it was okay with her. Hitoshi shrugs, glancing at Wu fei as if he wasn't sure if it was safe to be in the same room as the scholar.  
  
I glance at Une. She seems lost in her thoughts, her face framed by long brown hair, and again I feel a pang of something I couldn't explain. It must be jealousy eating its way into my system, I guessed. I can never hope for anything more than Treize's friendship. All because I was a man.  
  
I hate myself. For being jealous, for even thinking I could be anything more to Treize. He left someone waiting for him, and she deserved to hear from him after thinking he was dead for the past three years. And still I think of my loneliness too, and wonder who deserved this pain of waiting more, Une or me. 


	3. Uncertainty

============================  
  
Life without love: Chapter 3  
  
A Gundam Wing Fan fiction  
  
============================  
  
DISCLAIMERS: Gundam Wing belongs to whoever created it (I forgot the name…) I took liberties with the story of Gundam Wing. First, this is presumed to have happened in a continuum where Endless Waltz did not take place. I gave Treize a sister and a family. I put shounen ai in for the Gundam pilots except one. I made Milliard run off with Noin but they didn't get married.  
  
"Life without Love is like a tree without blossom and fruit. And love without Beauty is like flowers without scent and fruits without seeds...Life, Love, and Beauty are three persons in one, who cannot be separated or changed."  
  
--Kahlil Gibran, "Vision"  
  
Without warning Treize and Angel descended upon us the next morning. They must have wheedled the address from Releena, or something. I was getting a cup of coffee, when they descended on us like birds, carrying skis and other paraphernalia, including a toboggan for sliding down the slopes in their car. I knew it. They were going to join the fun, probably at Treize's instigation. I should have guessed from Treize's references on going down to the cabin to see everyone. I decide that it would be best to avoid him for now.  
  
Avoid him? Yes. If I avoided him maybe the hurt I'm feeling will lessen. The hurt because I know he can never be mine, but I will always want him. Want him selfishly, unbefitting of me, of our old friendship. I'd be better off crying about what could never be had than try getting it. That would let me keep my dignity at least.  
  
"Hey, people in the cabin! Everyone, pack up cause we're all heading for the slopes! Girls, guys, come on!" I hear greetings shouted from windows and people coming out of the front door. "Where is that Milliard hiding out?" Someone--Treize--shouts from the stairs, and I try to do the best of my escape. I'd better head off to where they won't expect to see me and while they are engrossed in greeting and introducing each other. Thinking that way I step out of the kitchen to the snow. The cabin was on the side of the mountain, and though the front was supported by posts from the ground, the back, where the kitchen was, was flush to the slope of the mountain. I stand there in the cold, wearing a thick sweater, and corduroy slacks.  
  
Cold, almost too cold. I am glad I had a mug of hot coffee in my hands. I hear them all preparing to go off to the slopes, dressing warmly, getting boots and skis, trying to figure out where I hid. They all give outrageous reasons as to where I had gone, but when they couldn't find me in the balcony they must have been baffled as to where I've went. I don't dare to look in, because someone may be looking out at the kitchen door when I look in. The snow falls on my head from the roof, while snow is also melting on my foot, and my shoes are getting wet. I don't want to have this pair ruined while in hiding, but what the heck. If only to avoid Treize.  
  
I could imagine what was happening inside as if I was with them. Trowa would be helping Quatre into a parka, giving the blonde boy a special smile whose meaning is known only between them. Duo would be frantically looking for his ski poles, with Heero shaking his head slightly as he held them up. Lucrezia would be trying to contact the hotel to ask if the slopes were okay, and finding out it was, hurry to dress. Sally would be trying to organize everyone and finding out who missed anything. Wu fei tried to hide, not wanting a day skiing, but Angel caught him red-handed, and persuaded him to go with him. I distinctly heard Chinese curses in the air. Releena was explaining the rudiments of skiing to an inexperienced Hitoshi, while Duo looked for a flask of brandy to warm him in the slopes. Une was hardly saying a word, but so was Treize, so I guess they were having a private conference where they could not be heard.  
  
All these I hear and imagine, as I sip coffee in the cold outside, feeling the powdery snow resting on my hair and shoulders. I know it all as if I was an observer, and that is all I am after all, an outside observer. This standing out here in the cold while they bustled about brought the fact home. I am unnecessary for them to be happy, and more often than not, I felt like an intruder. An outsider who could not worship the one I cared about. All because of knowing the one I loved deserved better, someone who had also loved and waited patiently all these years.  
  
I guess a lot of people sacrificed themselves for even less.  
  
Une was willing to die for Treize, during the war. I guess even now she would be willing to die for Treize's cause. But that was going to be a life wasted, because she was more important alive than dead. After all, the dead in their cold graves cannot comfort people in need. And no one can bring back the dead to the land of the living. Treize was going to live even if Une died then, he can find another person with as much loyalty to him in this world, so what was the use of dying for him? Only if one could have no hope of living with love must one wither in the cold.  
  
But love for one person, romantic love, is not the only love one can have. There was love for family, friends, people one knew...why wither when so many people love and care for you? If romantic love was not for one, then there are other people to cherish and care about. They would need one more alive than a dead corpse.  
  
At last all the sounds dispersed, and the door slams with finality after them. I hear the pickup and another vehicle start for the slopes. They have left me at last. I take a sigh of relief and release my numb hand from holding the now empty mug. I go to open the kitchen door so as to warm myself.  
  
It swings towards the cabin, opening from inside the kitchen, and I see a large, well-shaped hand holding the handle. I stare at the buffed nails, well-kept. I know who owned those hands, even without seeing him.  
  
Treize smiles as he saw the shock written on my face. "I told them I'll wait for you to tell you where they went," he replied to my unspoken question.  
  
"Thanks. I kind of guessed from what I've heard where they're going. They're heading out to the slopes." I step in and replenish my mug from the coffee machine. My hands are trembling, an automatic reaction as I felt the warmth seep through me. Gods, I must have stood there longer than I thought. It's hard trying to make Treize not see it.  
  
"Where else? Angel found out where you were staying through Releena, while we were in the smoking room, and thought to have a little skiing in. Won't you come with us?" Treize leans against the countertop, sleek in thick black corded pants and a gray sweater.  
  
"No, I'd rather not. Someone ought to keep house. And I have plans."  
  
"No, it's not necessary for you to stay here. The hotel staff can watch it for you. Wait--" He sees the mug shake in my hand. He takes it away from me and takes my hands, feeling their coldness, rubbing it to put some warmth through it. "I should have known you would be standing in the cold with nothing to warm you. You'll catch a cold. Foolish Milliard. It'll take something more than coffee to warm you." He makes me sit down on a kitchen stool and pours a helping of brandy into the brewed coffee in my mug. "Drink, it'll warm you."  
  
"Thanks again." I sip it. It was fiery in my throat, and I cough a bit. It was too much too soon. Treize left me and comes back holding a quilt he found that was probably left on the sofa, and draped it around me. "You'd better go out to follow them. It's a nice day for skiing. I should know, after spending time outside." I grin weakly, as I could feel the kitchen's warmth drying me.  
  
"Also a nice day to catch a cold. Of all the damn fool things to do." Treize sat across the counter from me, and stares at me intently. I feel uncomfortable, knowing my hair was plastered all over my face by the melting snow, and that my cold hands are being warmed by the coffee mug. He seems to realize he was staring, and looks away, uncomfortable for a fleeting second. I clear my throat to talk.  
  
"Where is Une? I thought she'd be here..." `--because you're here,' I add the words in my mind. After yesterday, I would have thought she'd be eager to see him.  
  
"She went with the others to ski," he replies abruptly. Then just as abruptly he changes the subject. "I never realize how pale you are before. Or maybe it's because of your exposure outside? No matter, you still look like a ghost! Haven't been taking care of yourself, huh?"  
  
"I guess it's because of the cold. But don't worry about me. I can manage here alone. I often stay in the house, anyway. Go follow the others." I drink some more of the coffee, and the brandy was making me feel relaxed and warm.  
  
"If I didn't know better..." He leans forward, deep blue eyes serious as they look into mine. A hand covers mine on the countertop. I feel rather than see the rush of blood to my cheeks, and pray he wouldn't notice I was flushing. I try to look at him straight in the eye, to belie anything he would say. Those darling blue eyes, so full of emotions I don't even want to try to read, afraid I'd only make a mistake in hoping for what I couldn't have.  
  
"If you didn't know better what?"  
  
The hand tightens, and then let mine go. I feel a pang of disappointment. He leans back on the chair, his face impassive. Even when he was remote he looked good. Lucky devil.  
  
"I'd say that you were afraid to be left alone with me."  
  
I face him with as much false bravura as I could muster. "Afraid to be left alone with you? Why should I? It's not as if you're going to kis--kill me or anything..."  
  
"That's my point. So why are you avoiding me?"  
  
"Avoiding you?"  
  
"Yeah. I saw you sneak out when we came in. Don't tell me you didn't see us. And don't tell me you snuck out because you didn't want to ski..."  
  
"Well, what if that was true? I didn't want to ski, it's not my sport. And I'm working on translations of the Divine Comedy while they're out. From the original Italian. I'm in Purgatorio already."  
  
"Oh, is that so?" He deliberately pretends to misunderstand. The urge to strangle him came, but passed quickly. I find it hard to be angry with him for long. "Anyway, I'm going to find you in the slopes skiing within an hour, even if I have to drag you there kicking and screaming. After you thaw, that is."  
  
"Treize!"  
  
"You will not resist. I'll take you skiing, and if I want to, I'll get it." He shrugs. "It always happens. You'd better accept you're going skiing."  
  
"No, I will not. Even if you drag me and tie me to the skis and push me off the slope."  
  
"Milliard Peacecraft, why did you go to a winter skiing resort if you're not going to ski?" He sounds exasperated with me already, and I was secretly glad I could still annoy him to his wits' end. It gave me an edge he could never stop being huffy about when I'm being stubborn against him.  
  
"So I can be reached by my office only by cell phone and I'll tell them I can't go back because an avalanche blocked the road." I smile. "After all, one can escape from a lot of things in a winter resort."  
  
"Even from the past?"  
  
I look at him. He was serious, no sign of emotion on his face. We just stare at each other for a long time, knowing he spoke the truth, but not wanting to say anything about it. Then I look away.  
  
He was suddenly angry, and I don't know whether he was angry at me or at himself, but he was. The air was thick with suppressed emotions. When I look at his deep blue eyes I see anger--and hurt. Was he hurt because I didn't want to be with him? He stands up, picking his jacket, which he had left on the table. "Here, I'll take you up, or wherever you want to rest. I'll just say you were in no shape to go out, after being an imitable fool and hiding out from me."  
  
"I'll be fine. Go ahead, I say. I'll just go up to my room."  
  
"No, I insist. Come on, it's not as if I'm going to eat you. And I am to blame for getting you out on this cold day." He moves to my side, wrapping the quilt around me securely before forcing me to stand up and go with him up to my room. We walk to the hall and climb the stairs. "Which one's yours, anyway?" he asks, bewildered as he looks at the row of identical doors before him.  
  
"This one," I reply, opening the room two doors to my left. It was neat, impersonal. There was my ubiquitous stack of books on the desk, a pair of loafers tossed to one corner, my bed made up with those nice comfy blue quilts found in all the cabins. Treize stands there, useless, but immediately filling the room with his being. I am suddenly afraid to look at him, knowing it's because we are standing in my room, so near a bed, making me feel that we were intimate together...and not necessarily in the sensual sense. One can be intimate without having sex.  
  
"Damn, Milliard, you don't want to leave your mark anywhere, it seems." He goes to the closet, without so much as a by your leave, and starts to take out clothes. "Change, get out of those wet things."  
  
Change? How did he propose for me to change? In front of him? That I should actually strip before him? The thought intensifies my blush. He doesn't seem to notice. Or else he's a good actor. "I'll get you some coffee." He closes the door behind him, giving me enough privacy to change.  
  
When he came back, I was in slacks and a cardigan, drying. My hair is unbraided, and I am combing it. He set down the mug on my bedside table. "Hah, I found your eggnog stash."  
  
"Thanks again. I seem to be thanking you the whole day. Where are your parents by the way?"  
  
"They wanted some time alone. Having two hyperactive kids tired them out yesterday, so they sent us out to find people with enough energy to keep up with us. I didn't tell you that my sister Angel is an ecologist, as well as surfer, skier, and even a bungee jumping champ, right? She'd wear me out soon, and I guess if she'd marry she'd drive her husband nuts with all her activities, leaving her with no time for him."  
  
I smile. "Releena and I are much the same, I'm afraid. I sometimes worry Hitoshi can't keep up with Releena, with all her activities and exposure in the media, but I need not have worried. Hitoshi knows that even though Releena's always so busy, she makes time to see him and me."  
  
"What's with Hitoshi and your sister, anyway? Releena's younger than my sister. And she already has a boyfriend! I'd better tell Angel to get one of her own."  
  
"Oh, no, they're just best friends, so far as Releena tells me. Though sometimes I also wonder if they're actually more than friends." Treize took a seat by my desk, as I sat on the bed, drinking eggnog. He took a sip from his mug too.  
  
"Seems like you've all kept in touch over the years."  
  
"Well, Quatre and Duo seem to think it's a good thing to get together once in a while and find out what events has happened to us. It just so happens that Christmas is a big holiday, and we find ourselves free."  
  
"Can we spend Christmas with you all? I thought you wouldn't mind four extra people sharing the pudding and eggnog. My mom misses a lot of her friends, now that they're scattered all over the world, and I thought she'd feel great if she's among some lively people for Christmas."  
  
"It's okay with me, but you'd better ask the others. I'm sure Une would like to meet them."  
  
"Une knows them already. And why do you keep on mentioning Une anyway?" He sounds irritated, and I look at him, curious what made him so angry. It was my way to remind myself he was for Une, but I guess he's irritated since he does not know why I am doing this.  
  
"It's just that--you and Une--I mean, aren't you glad Une's here?"  
  
"I am."  
  
"Oh."  
  
Silence. Oh, glacial, frozen silence, stopping us from saying things we wanted to talk about, hurtful, hurtful words, maybe, or maybe soothing kindness. It was the first time I've felt this cold anger from him, and I don't know what to do, whether I'd be hurt if I say anything to him or not.  
  
"I'll join the others on the slopes," he told me, tone and eyes icy. I could only watch him go...  
  
  
  
It's so sad when one thinks of lost chances, of the past, of the past revisiting in such an unexpected shape. And in the few hours they were out I thought of it a great deal.  
  
Damn him for making me think there was something more to his caring about me. And damn myself for being so hopeful about his words. He only wanted to be my friend again, that was all. After all, what else is there for us? Nothing else, right? I mean, who'd want to be more? It's not as if we were really into anything deep.  
  
We're in a world where people are so caught up, they forget what it is like to live, as in live live. The days pass by like an endless stream of work, until one is burned up, thrown out, retired because of overwork. Stressed out as I am, I don't know if I could face this sort of life anew. It's so good to rest, to have days of idleness filled with activities you so long to do. I have been so caught up with events in Sanque sometimes I feel like turning off my phone and locking myself up in my room when I wake up to a new day. I need time to catch up with myself, knowing that if I keep up my pace I'd end up in the end to be so listless and without energy.  
  
And sometimes, when I get a chance to stay still and see the swirl of bustling people around me, I feel like an ant amidst the big colony, just one among thousands and thousands moving around and around, trying to make sense of the world without pausing to look at it. What were going on in their heads? What are they thinking about? Or are they so bothered by little work problems they've forgotten to think at all?  
  
I'm bothered by thoughts like these as of late, and I don't want to talk to them about it. It appeared to me that all the romance of living had disappeared, we've been into material things, not feeling at all. Even dating seems to be a chore, when it shouldn't. I know that, but still I think that most of the women I've gone out are thinking too much of "I" rather than "us". That's why I end up in this limbo of being a sought after bachelor, but not wanting to settle down.  
  
But Treize, he was a completely different matter.  
  
What would I do if he told me he wanted me? The way I wanted to be wanted, with no inhibitions, with laughter and no regrets, and even though the relationship may turn serious, it'll be so full of joy, I won't regret the serious moments, even if we get caught up with arguing. For as Wu fei said, the making up was fun.  
  
The sounds of engines coming near. I put out the eggnog and cookies I found in the kitchen, as well as having coffee and hot chocolate ready. The marshmallows are out too. It feels soothing to work alone, to have no one tell you you have another appointment in ten minutes or so. I try one of the cookies. Hm, gingerbread. Sally and the girls must have baked them in case of snack times after hitting the slopes. There were Santas and Christmas trees and stars decorated with icing. They must have spent hours making these cookies.  
  
"We're back, if you're here, brother!" Releena shouts to the balcony. I step out, waving.  
  
"How was it? I have snacks all set up." I shout back as the others started getting out of the two parked pickups. The doors slam, and I hear them coming up the stairs.  
  
"You should have been there! Skiing was wonderful," Lucrezia tells me, as she made herself some hot chocolate. "And Angel handled the steepest slope in the whole resort like a dream. She even dared Wu fei down the whole thing, and he somehow managed to."  
  
"Yeah, clinging to his ski poles for dear life, hahahaha--" Duo snickers, giggling. Wu fei turns to the American with a snarl. Heero steps between them before the Chinese pilot could even reach the American.  
  
"At least I tried, but no, you were drinking out there too much to even try skiing."  
  
"Hey, hey! I was feelin' cold outta there, that's the only reasshon why I was drinkin'..." he hiccups. Heero rolls his eyes and gets Duo some brewed coffee, forcing him to drink it. Duo grimaces at the strong taste, but does as he was bid.  
  
"Where are Trowa and the others?"  
  
"Coming. Quatre said he was going to pick something up, and Trowa went with him. Releena went up to get a sweater, and so did Hitoshi," Sally replies as she was taking off her parka. Angel follows in, and Treize enters last, arm in arm with Une. I turn away, pretending to get some more eggnog. It won't hurt, it won't hurt, I think to myself.  
  
Though inside my heart was breaking.  
  
"Cookies? Wonderful! I'm famished." Une smoothens her windswept hair, and it made me wonder if Treize had been running his hands through those long brown locks. Damn I'm getting jealous without reason again.  
  
"Milliard as a domestic. What an--unusual sight." Treize was his old urbane self, totally different from the caring yet probing observer a few hours before. I don't know if I like him better this way, but at least I'm not worried he'll try to find out my motives for the things I am doing. "I'll have some eggnog, if there's any left."  
  
"There is. Lucrezia, would you care to pour?" I motion to the eggnog. "I really should go back to my translations. I've been slackening on them, and I'm rather guilty about it."  
  
"Oh, okay. I would like to read them when you're through."  
  
"Yes, of course," I reply, trying to walk out of the scene before anyone else descends on me to stop me. I should have known I'd have no luck, for as I am about to step out Quatre runs in, boyish and happy, slightly flushed. I wonder if he was tipsy too from drinking from Duo's flask, but then I notice something unusual. His lips were slightly puffy, redder than I've ever seen them. Maybe Trowa and he were busy doing something rather than getting it...  
  
"We found a good diversion for all of us! Come into the living room!" he tells us, breathing hard. When he looks up at me he turns redder, as if knowing I knew what had happened there.  
  
"Let's see what Quatre got all excited about." Sally leaves the room, pulling on Duo's arm. "Oh, what a surprise!"  
  
A branch of mistletoe was hanging from the center of the room, the berries shiny. I turn quickly away, but Treize caught my arm, stopping my escape. "I'd better go back--"  
  
"It's just a little parlor fun, Milliard. No one will get hurt because of little kisses."  
  
His eyes are somber. I couldn't move. This is my chance, I think to myself. Under the mistletoe, I could--might--get the chance to kiss him. Yes, kiss him, feel him near me...in front of all my friends. Dammit! Why is it that I keep on wanting to do something to him that I know I can't? Part of me said, I can't, another said I won't. Why is it I can't just out myself and show that I love him? It's that simple. I love him.  
  
He was reading my eyes, seemingly confused with what he saw. Then he smiles. It was the sort of smile of someone who just remembered a way to convince someone to do as he wished. "I'm sure Lucrezia would want to get a kiss under the mistletoe, you know."  
  
It hurt. I couldn't help but feel betrayed. Did he think I still liked Lucrezia, that our relationship is that that are "more than friends"? Didn't that mean I have no chance at all for him? Who in his decent mind would believe someone who is "taken" likes him more than the girl who'd been there beside me all this time? He probably thought we became lovers over the three years we haven't been in contact. I turn away, excuse on my lips. "I wouldn't want to spoil your fun by playing a grouch, but I really have to go back to my translations."  
  
"Aw, not now, Milliard! Your moldy translations can wait! It's going to be fun! Come on!" Releena steps forward, right under the center of the mistletoe wreath. Duo was the first to kiss her, a loud, smacking kiss on the cheek, saying something like "Hitoshi must be some dude for you to like him!" and then Treize follows, this time a kiss on her lips. I can't say I didn't want to strangle him, because he kissed my sister and not me. I wanted to kiss him, and there he was, blightly kissing my sister as if it was nothing at all. This is murder, slow painful death.  
  
"So, has Hitoshi kissed you yet, little girl, or did I overstep the territory?" he teases, smiling.  
  
Hitoshi steps forward, glaring at Duo for saying such a thing in front of everyone and getting the first kiss, and at Treize for taking a liberty on Releena in his sight. Heero drags Duo away before he could say anything worse. Hitoshi gives Releena a soft kiss on the lips, before twirling her away from the mistletoe. Releena giggles again, and then I notice the line of red over her nose. I couldn't place if it was from the drink or from the kisses. If it was the kiss, whose kiss? Obviously not Duo's. And Hitoshi was only her friend. Treize's kiss? It was a blade scoring the surface of my heart. My sister likes Treize too! Damn him for being charming. How can it be I am jealous of my own sister?  
  
Jealous? I can't be jealous. To be jealous is madness, is the proof you believe that you own part of him. And I don't. Never would, in fact.  
  
"Stay away from the mistletoe, please, if only for my dignity," Hitoshi pleads. Releena shakes her head, giggling, and I wonder if she was drunk from drinking from Duo's flask or something else.  
  
"Oh, all right, because you're so sweet to me...can't help it, after all, you said you-liked--me," She stress each word, then giggled and wrapped her arms around his neck. Now I'm pretty sure she was tipsy. Hitoshi was blushing, but he led her away from the spectators to get her sober and give her some eggnog.  
  
"What was it between your sister and Hitoshi again?" Angel asked, teasing. I shrugged. "She's a lucky girl, if he cared enough to get her sober. If he was a jerk he would have let her make a fool of herself."  
  
"I guess some people are lucky. I really don't know, I haven't got to experience anything near what they have." I look up and glanced at where Treize was, about to look at him straight in the eye, daring him to contradict me, to state that we and Noin were like that. But he was gone, taking his place under the mistletoe with Une on his arm. There was a wolf- whistle from Duo, who was only stopped by Heero when he also pushed the American to the kitchen.  
  
"Hey, I wanna watch!" Duo protests.  
  
"You've been doing too much already," Heero replies, passing near Quatre and Trowa with an "excuse us". The rest had been behind us, enjoying the spectacle, I guess. Sally turns on the radio, and a Christmas carol fills the air, as Treize bows and leads Une off to a dance.  
  
Damn but they make a handsome couple. They were the Khushrenadas thirty years before, I guess. The woman was slim, cultured, handsome, the man tall, cultured, and handsome. Who was I to even try to break up such a perfect partnership? I was just a male friend, I couldn't even call myself as Treize's best friend, because I wasn't. I'd probably be the one invited to become the best man if they ever got married. And it hurts thinking about it.  
  
Would I ever stop hurting?  
  
Treize's whispering into Une's ear, saying something that made her laugh, and then the other guys are dancing with the girls, Sally with Wu fei, Cathrine with Trowa, and Angel with Quatre. I was the only one left standing with no partner, but I was definitely not in the mood to dance.  
  
I never realized how intimate dancing is. So near, touching the girl's waist, yet so restricted by it too. You have to hold it to a proper angle so you wouldn't look like you're overstepping your boundary. The girl, hand on shoulder, being supported by you as if she needs you to live. Two people, moving to the music, creating rhythm of their own. One following, one leading, one unit, yet two people, distinct, separate, together, touching, holding, looking into each other's eyes, thinking how lucky he or she was to have found someone so in tune with them that they don't step on each other's feet. In a world of their own, detached from the environment, from other couples dancing, also in their own separate worlds.  
  
I'd better go away, so as not to disturb them. I feel so much an outsider, the only one watching.  
  
The music ends, and they all step apart, smiling at their dancing partner, except for Treize and Une. They were still in dancing position, looking into each other's eyes. And then Treize bent down to kiss her.  
  
Too much hurt, I can't pretend I'm not hurt. I turn away, to my sanctuary. It was my purgatorio amidst the inferno my emotions are going through.  
  
  
  
I just sit there, hurting.  
  
Of course, no one passed by, knowing I didn't want to be disturbed. It would have been embarrassing too, since I've been crying. Tears had come out of my eyes without me realizing it, and I don't know what else to do anymore. I guess with Treize here I'd better hide out, or find a way to go back to the city before Christmas Eve. To return to Sanque.  
  
Leave? When Treize was here? Yes, I have to leave. Treize obviously, so obviously liked Une, and I can't do anything about it. Not as if I could step in and try to get Treize to admit he has feelings for me. There are Une's feelings to think of. And his feelings are so obvious, it hurt.  
  
I brush the tears aside. No matter how it hurt, I won't say anything. It's not right. It's not my position to say anything. I can only love him, that is all, from afar.  
  
"Milliard?" Angel, obviously not knowing the tacit agreement, looks out from the door. "What are you doing there alone? I thought you were inside, but then after the dancing I couldn't find you. What's wrong?'  
  
"As I said, I had to go back to my translations." I indicate the side table. Thank God for my habit of keeping the books there for show. She sits on the lounge chair beside me, eyes serious. "Shouldn't you be inside?"  
  
"Why is it you want to hurt alone?" she asks abruptly.  
  
"Hurt? Alone?" I laugh bitterly. "I don't hurt. You must be imagining stuff. I just--the translations are proceeding so sluggishly."  
  
"Didn't my brother tell you I'm psychic as well? Your aura is so low, I can barely register it. You can tell me stuff. I know how to keep a secret. Scout's honor and all that, though I've never been a scout."  
  
"It's nothing, really. Just that I need some time to think. And yes, alone."  
  
"Talking to yourself doesn't help. That's why we're here. Friends are supposed to listen to each other's problems. That's part of the package." She smiles. "Is it monetary, emotional or something else?"  
  
"It's really nothing, Angel. Don't bother to worry about me. It'll pass."  
  
"Hah! If this is your way of coping with problems, you'd turn out to be a depressed person. Come on, speak out. Your problem won't bite me, I assure you."  
  
"Geez, Angel, don't you let your brother keep his secrets from you?"  
  
"No. We have no secrets between us. It's a fact of life." She looks at me seriously. "It's our way, since we didn't have much time. You can't try to keep in touch for long with my brother then. Now we do, but still we don't keep anything from each other."  
  
"Then I guess Releena and I'd better talk to each other privately." I try to make a joke out of it. "Don't worry, Angel, I'll live with my problem."  
  
"Talking to yourself is not the way to solve problems. You're too involved to even think of solving it. You have friends out there, friends who care enough for you, who'd listen to you if you gave them half a chance, and offer advice. Isn't that part of being a friend? What's the use of having friends if you don't share everything with them? I'm sure they've told you about their problems, why don't you tell than about yours? Treize, for example--"  
  
"Treize is not a person I want to tell this particular problem, I assure you," I cut in. She's silent for a moment.  
  
"Treize cares for you a lot, Milliard. I know, because he told me so himself. He cares deeply for the people in his past, and that is why he's so glad he met up with you all. Even with Wu fei."  
  
"He doesn't mind having the person who tried to kill him around?"  
  
"Though Wu fei failed to kill him it's only because Treize is extremely lucky, or shall we say extremely fortunate in making friends easily." Angel touches my arm. "You too are extremely fortunate, and if you are friends with Treize, you should tell him if it involves him."  
  
"Heaven forbid I tell him." I turn away. "You don't know anything about this problem I have, Angel. It's--it's too deep to even bear thinking of telling Treize."  
  
"It must be emotional then. What? Do you like someone, hate someone? Do you want me to hire an Inquisitor to get the truth out of you?"  
  
"No, Angel, you don't, because even if you did, I wouldn't tell you. I'd rather die than tell you."  
  
"Stubborn Milliard. Now I see why my brother was exasperated with you over the restaurant bill yesterday."  
  
"He told you?"  
  
"Of course. I tell you, we have no secrets between us, and his face kind of reflected his feeling when you both came back." She leans back complacently. "It didn't take me long to get the truth out of him."  
  
"He does get annoyed with me as of late."  
  
"If anyone cared about a person, yes, they would get annoyed with that person when the person they cared about wouldn't tell them what was wrong."  
  
The door opens, and now it's Treize who looks out. He spots Angel sitting in the other chaise. "Angel, we're going to meet mom and dad in town remember? We'd better head out. Oh, Milliard, why don't you come in, it's getting too cold for you if you stay out there."  
  
"No, don't worry. This time I came prepared." I indicate the thick woolen sweater I was wearing with my blue cardigan. "Nice talking to you, Angel."  
  
"Give me five more minutes, Treize."  
  
"I already gave you more than enough. Come on, mom will be worried."  
  
"Next time I'll find out what's bothering you," she tells me, standing up. "I don't want any of my friends staying in the cold when he could be warm and in the company of friends inside. There's something wrong, and I have to get to the bottom of it."  
  
"Hah, you can't survive my sister when she gets to this mood. You'd better tell up, and fast. I'm curious too. Good-bye, Milliard."  
  
"See you next time."  
  
"Oh, and we'll be here Christmas. Quatre insisted." And then they were gone.  
  
I'd better find an excuse to leave, and fast.  
  
  
  
"Milliard," Une calls me from my balcony when the rest were out with Releena on the slopes a few days after. She was a very beautiful woman, and I would understand if Treize liked her. She also had a charismatic presence, used by Oz to full advantage in the war. She was dressed in thick corduroy pants and a dark sweater of cashmere. She was smiling at me. "I wanted to talk to you about Treize."  
  
Why not? I thought. Might as well get anything I have in my system. I indicate the other lounge chair, and she sat there. She seems to compose her thoughts, and then she spoke.  
  
"Treize is flirting with Releena."  
  
"What?" Of all the things I've heard this is the strangest. I didn't expect her to comment on that. I know Treize had been friendly with Releena over the past few days, but it can't be termed flirting, right? What about Hitoshi? I thought they were a pair myself. What was Hitoshi's reaction to this?  
  
"Yes, and I am worried about Hitoshi. He's--well, he's jealous. He watches your sister constantly, drops hints of men sweeping girls off their feet, and is always rude to Treize. You don't know, because you've been caught up with your translations, but that's the plain and simple truth. Lucrezia tried to talk to Releena, but she just waved her off and said she knew what she was doing. But still, we are worried, because Hitoshi's suddenly turning to a taciturn person. Quatre tried to talk to Hitoshi, but almost got into a fight with the guy. Frankly, I haven't seen anyone who can so obviously be in love with another being snubbed so badly and still taking it."  
  
"What's Treize's reaction to this? I guess you've tried to talk to him too."  
  
"Well, you know Treize. He just laughed it off. He said he was flattered, but it's not as bad as we thought. Though Hitoshi must be planning bloody murder for him."  
  
"And he didn't listen to you? I'd have thought--"  
  
"You thought wrong, Milliard." She smiles at me. "I've given up on Treize."  
  
"Wh--what?"  
  
"He's in love with someone else. That's why I am worried it might be Releena. Because then Hitoshi and Treize--well, with Hitoshi in such a bad state, do you think he'll stand a chance if Treize turned his charms on your sister?"  
  
She'd given up on Treize, just like that? What had happened between them? Did they have some sort of talk that hurt her? What did Treize tell her?  
  
"How'd you know he loves someone else? It could be some mistake, a misinterpretation on your part."  
  
"He told me, Milliard. No, don't worry, I guess it's just the shock of seeing him again that made me all giddy before, but I have a fiancé, and even though you're the first to know among us, he's been sweet and understanding to me, and all the hero-worship I had for Treize disappeared when I'm around him. He's in the diplomatic corps, and he's coming over this Christmas for me to introduce him to you. That's why I am worried. If Treize really loved someone, it will be with no inhibitions, with all his charms put on for the person to love him too. You know he has a charisma that makes people follow him, revered him as a great leader. That's why I want you to talk to your sister, or maybe Hitoshi, to try to figure out what's going on."  
  
"I'll talk to Hitoshi when he comes back. We'll go pick a tree or something. And Releena, well, Releena's going to hear an earful from me."  
  
"Thank you Milliard. It is sweet for you to care so much. Just like my Conrad." She stands up. "Don't tell anyone I told you. It's not the sort of thing people care about--to know they are being spoken about behind their backs."  
  
She steps inside the cabin, leaving me to think.  
  
Treize--in love?  
  
With whom?  
  
Someone outside our group? A girl he met in the Space Colonies? A nurse who helped him recover, a business associate whom he took out for lunch dates? I don't know, but I guess this person is very, very lucky to have him so devoted to her, he'd have told Une about it.  
  
And I wonder if I'll meet this fortunate girl... 


	4. Discovery

============================  
  
Life without love: Chapter 4  
  
A Gundam Wing fan fiction  
  
============================  
  
DISCLAIMERS: Gundam Wing belongs to whoever created it (I forgot the name…) I took liberties with the story of Gundam Wing. First, this is presumed to have happened in a continuum where Endless Waltz did not take place. I gave Treize a sister and a family. I put shounen ai in for the Gundam pilots except one. I made Milliard run off with Noin but they didn't get married.  
  
"Life without Love is like a tree without blossom and fruit. And love without Beauty is like flowers without scent and fruits without seeds...Life, Love, and Beauty are three persons in one, who cannot be separated or changed."  
  
--Kahlil Gibran, "Vision"  
  
"Hitoshi, do you want to come with me to town? I have to do some last minute gift buying, and well, you might want to come with me, to buy gifts for Angel and Treize," I speak up during tea. Hitoshi looks sullen at the mention of Treize's name. He obviously wanted to be here when Releena came back from a shopping trip with Angel.  
  
Une agrees for him, saying it was a great thing for me to actually show a want to go out of the cabin, and it would be a waste if I didn't, wouldn't it? This was met with laughter from the others, but Hitoshi starts eyeing us like a pair of cobras suddenly coming to life. We were so obviously a pair of conspirators, it was a wonder Hitoshi didn't call our bluff off immediately.  
  
And so, Hitoshi, willingly or unwillingly, sits beside me as I drive the pickup to town. "How's it been, Hitoshi? Sorry I haven't been much of a host to you and Releena, considering you went down for the holidays because of me..."  
  
"It's okay. Your friends are neat. I wish I was in a better mood to treat them right. Just that-" And Hitoshi sighs, making me realize that though he was twenty or so already, Releena was the first girl he had let himself get close to. And it must hurt for that girl to prefer an older man's company.  
  
"Trouble?"  
  
"Yeah, sort of. What is it with Treize that girls go gaga on him? It's not as if he was rich like Quatre or talented like Trowa or cheerful like Duo, and hell, Heero is such a good hacker I've learned a thing or two from him. And he doesn't speak as fluently as your Chinese scholar Wu fei, but there was Une almost crying when she heard he was alive. Who was he, anyway? Sounds to me he's like a hotshot or something."  
  
"Sort of. Treize has charm, and I've seen him turn it on like a light bulb before a girl." I turn left. "Don't feel so bad because he's charming. It's not as if girls don't like you too."  
  
"Heck, but girls just like me. They positively drool over him. If I could just get a cigarette I'd probably be smoking like a chimney due to the stress I am in."  
  
"I thought you didn't smoke."  
  
"I used to, but meeting Releena, well...we met once in this state dinner sort of thing, and there was a bunch of old guys smoking like it was a men's club, and then she turned to me, because I was the one beside her, and asked if I could lead her outside. Can't refuse a girl, right? When we got out, she told me she couldn't stand the smoke inside, and just as I was about to reach for a cigarette. And she a diplomat, telling me such an undiplomatic thing, because all of those guys were like-ambassadors. Made me think I should at least let this girl enjoy some clean air. And I've dropped the habit completely, knowing that if I smoked in secret, I'd just itch for one in her presence, and where would we be?" He takes out a lighter, playing with it in his hands. "Still kept the lighter and that cigarette I was about to smoke, as a reminder. She's the sort of girl I thought I could make myself do right for, but now she's attached to Treize, and it hurts me. How would you feel if the girl you practically declared yourself to chases another guy? Sorry, Mr. Peacecraft, but it's the truth. I love her, I'll do anything I can for her, even let her have Treize, but somehow I can't stop myself from hating him for it. I courted her first, and don't I deserve to be the one she'd fall for?"  
  
"Releena may not really like him..."  
  
"Yeah, and Treize might turn into a frog if I wished hard enough."  
  
"Hitoshi, are you going to let Treize get her just because you've been rude to her, to him, and to everyone?"  
  
"No, but, can't help it if I felt that way. I was actually planning to ask you for your permission to let me marry her, but now that Treize's in the picture--she doesn't seem to like me anymore."  
  
"Did you tell her you loved her?"  
  
"Yes-no-sort of. I thought she understood me, when we talked about being together until we grew old in the Space Colonies. I know I should tell her that, but how? Treize would be here during Christmas, when I'm supposed to give her this." Hitoshi now takes out a pouch, and out spills a y-shaped chain of silver, with creamy pink pearls placed at equal intervals. Another pinkish pearl pendant dangled from it, gleaming softly. It was a simple yet charming piece, and I knew it suited Releena. But Hitoshi looks uncertain. "Do you think I should give it to her?"  
  
"Yes, and tell her what you feel. I'm glad you told me, but it would hurt her if she learned her brother knew her friend loved her before she did. I think you and she suit each other, and now, if you don't mind telling Treize to back off, I'm sure you will find Treize willing to bow down to you, since you love her, and I guess Treize just needed a target for flirtations. It's not bad, but I don't know. Treize is supposed to be in love with someone, but I guess he doesn't love my sister, if he could stay between you and her. You were willing to let her go, right?"  
  
"Yes, if that was what she wanted."  
  
"That's how love is."  
  
Yes, that's how love is, to be willing to let the person you love go. I'll let Treize go, I'll let him love as he wanted to love, even if it hurts me. That was how Hitoshi loved Releena, and that is how I can love Treize.  
  
  
  
I corner my sister right after, taking her to the balcony. "What is it, Milliard?"  
  
"It's been a long time since we had our talks, sis, and I thought I'd spend some time with you. You've been skiing so often, or in one of the onsens, I rarely see you."  
  
"I'm sorry, Milliard. I've been neglectful of you, haven't I? Well, I shouldn't have set out to enjoy the vacation so badly."  
  
"I don't mean to be so mean as to let you not enjoy the vacation. I know you need it so much, but I miss you too."  
  
"Me too." She hugs me. "So, what do you want to talk about?"  
  
"You did say there were developments concerning Hitoshi. I was wondering--"  
  
"Not you too! Why is everyone curious what I have with Hitoshi or Treize or anyone else for that matter? Can't I be a normal girl to like someone and hang around them without having people asking me what was wrong with me and what relationship we had with each other?" She does and about face, leaving me.  
  
I just watch her go. I hurt for her, but there was jealousy too, and I thought it'll be best to let her cool of. This talk failed.  
  
  
  
Christmas eve's a happy time of chatter and caroling. The Khushrenadas are staying over, and so the girls are chatting, the guys are drinking brandy spiked eggnog as they listened. Releena had forgiven me, but she did not let herself be open to the topic after that. The fire burns merrily in the fireplace. It was a cheerful scene. The lights in the Christmas tree glow, not twinkled, as Quatre insisted on, reflecting on the gleaming wooden floor. The tree was decorated with handcrafted decorations they dug from the attic, and it was a beautiful, homey tree. Gifts of every size, shape and color were there, piled high.  
  
And I am outside, in the balcony, looking out at the star filled sky. Not in the mood to chat, to reminisce. It was wonderful to just plan, to think of getting away as soon as possible before Christmas dawned on us. There was a valise packed in my room, hidden away, of course, since Treize was going to share my room for the night, and all my other stuff was in the suitcases I carried into this resort. I'll send for it when I'm in Sanque already. My gifts to the others are under the Christmas tree, it's only my shining, smiling presence that is necessary inside and on Christmas.  
  
But I won't be here on Christmas.  
  
Yes, I can't. It's the season of giving, and I'm going to give Treize and me some breathing space. I have no idea what to do. It was wonderful, I know, to be with friends on Christmas day, but still...  
  
"Saint Milliard, suffering the cold anew for our sins." Treize steps out, carrying two mugs. "I don't know what is it with you and this balcony, but so far as I've heard, you spend every waking moment here except for dinner. There was even a time a blizzard came down on you and you stayed out even when you were about to die of hypothermia here."  
  
"It's very isolated, you see. No one comes out. I like the peace." I hint him away. "Shouldn't you prefer the warm room inside? There is Une and the others."  
  
"Hitoshi's too busy glaring at me to make me enjoy the scene." He takes a sip of eggnog. "What's wrong with him? Did he come up to scratch already? Releena told me she needed help to find out if Hitoshi liked her any more than a friend, that's why I've been spending so much time with her."  
  
"You--you did that because Releena--"  
  
"Yes. Why else would I? I don't like her any more than a sister."  
  
"Well, Hitoshi might just come up to scratch today. Anyway, I would have expected you to be with that person Une told me about."  
  
"That person Une told you about? Which person? Who?"  
  
"She told me you are in love with this girl."  
  
"She did, did she?" Treize was suddenly silent, thinking. "I am in love, and I was planning to ask this person tomorrow if we shared the same feelings for each other. I was wondering--would you mind if I borrow your balcony for tomorrow so I can talk to--"  
  
I interject quickly. Too quickly. "Oh, I don't mind. Where is she, anyway? Will she be coming down from the Space Colonies?"  
  
"No, I think we'll meet each other here. Will you wish me luck, Milliard?"  
  
I look up at him. What is he wanting to do, kill me slowly? His eyes are glittering, telling me things I didn't understand, things I had no idea of interpreting. Sweet, slow death. I whisper something appropriate, I guess, but I was about to run inside, not wanting to hurt any more. I had the door open. All I need to do was take two more steps forward...  
  
A grip like a vise on my arm.  
  
Silent words, almost inaudible because of the noise coming from inside.  
  
"Don't go."  
  
Was he aware it would just hurt me so much if I stayed? How can I stay here, listening to him talk about the love of his life, knowing he would never love me? Knowing he can never be mine? Knowing he loved another? If there was a God He'll not make me hurt so such, would he?  
  
"Treize, it'll be so much better for both of us if I go. It's Christmas Eve. I'd better get in, before they open up one of the gifts. I don't want Duo opening up my present because I'm not there." I put up that false cheery front again, like Duo's naturally cheerful façade, knowing he wasn't fooled for a second, but being unable to do anything more.  
  
"Milliard-I..."  
  
We both freeze at the sound of approaching people.  
  
"-what is wrong with you? You've been acting weird the whole week!" Releena, annoyed, was coming near to where we were, judging from her voice.  
  
"Who wouldn't act weird when you're here going bonkers over Treize. Tell me for the last time, who do you like more, anyway? Me or Treize?" It was Hitoshi, emboldened most likely by the brandy and the anger he'd been keeping inside him these past few weeks.  
  
"What a stupid question! I will not even deign to answer that!"  
  
"Hah, just afraid I'll learn you don't love me as much as I love you!"  
  
"What are you talking about? I do-oomph!" Then silence. She sounded like she'd been abruptly cut off. Worried about my sister, I turn the corner to look at what's happening, not caring what Treize was going to do. Treize restrained me to keep me in place, but I was faster.  
  
Hitoshi, kissing my sister like it was the only thing that he wanted to do. Releena was limp in his arms, clinging to his arms for dear life. I stand there, mute, shocked.  
  
"I love you, that's the truth, Releena..." he whispers, heart-brokenly, full of pain and sadness. They're both unaware of our presence. "If you want Treize, then it's okay, but I can't let you go away without even kissing you once."  
  
"Hitoshi-" She draws his face close to hers anew, looking into his eyes.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I--love--you--too."  
  
Their reunion was swift and fierce. I really shouldn't be seeing this, but I couldn't move. Treize beckons for me to move back to the balcony, but I'd rather not. Might as well clear things up. And I didn't want to be alone with Treize with my nerves like this. I was in no mood to keep up my cheerful front. I cough for them to realize I'm here, and they quickly break away, so red and guilty I kind of pity them on getting caught.  
  
"Milliard...it's not...I mean..." Releena, known for her diplomatic skills, has suddenly turned speechless. She bows her head to hide her face at the crook of his neck. He was so red, but didn't duck, looking at me straight in the eye. He took it like a man, and I'm surprised by the maturity he showed.  
  
"It's all my fault, Mr. Peacecraft. I told her I loved her." Hitoshi looks uncomfortable too. But when he saw Treize his chin juts challengingly.  
  
"So we heard." Treize steps forward. "I hope you learn discretion in handling relationships, Hitoshi. Anyone could have heard you. Declaring in the hallways is definitely not in style."  
  
"Treize!" My sister and I chorus as Hitoshi looks about to kill the handsome man anew.  
  
"This does not concern you, Mr. Khushrenada. I do not care what you think of me, but all I want to do is prove what has been true for a long time." Hitoshi places an arm around Releena's shoulder. Treize shook his head, indicating he was blameless.  
  
"Just kidding. I congratulate you, Hitoshi. In truth, I was only helping out a friend in need when I did the things I did, so please do not think of killing me for the moment." He extends a hand, smiling his sincerity. "I didn't stand a chance against you when it comes to this girl."  
  
Hitoshi smiles back, and shakes his hand.  
  
"Thanks."  
  
And I'm so glad the animosity's gone. Can't spend the first and last Christmas Eve Treize and I will ever be celebrating together with him at swords drawn with my prospective brother-in-law.  
  
Releena taps Hitoshi's shoulder, whispering something, and they left both of us. I am again alone with the person I loved completely.  
  
"So, can you take me up to our room? I want to be fresh and cheerful tomorrow." He smiles at me, and I could not refuse. We were both silent as we went up. I open the door and turn on the light. There it was, the two identical beds, side-by-side, just like how we will be tonight. His valise was there, by the foot of my bed. I sense him coming nearer...  
  
"I--I have to check on something," I stammer, leaving him alone in the room. I close the door behind me, leaning on it, glad I am at last free from him. For a while.  
  
  
  
Last day, last time. If Treize stepped in Sanque soil, it'll be the moment I step off it for a trumped up diplomatic mission. I have to stop seeing him, to stop feeling hurt in the thought he had never loved me the way I loved him, because he's there, loving a faceless, nameless person. Who made the feeling of love, anyway? It only hurt half of the time, and the other half was spent feeling deliriously happy, you make people hate you for your cheerful attitude.  
  
I'm just bad-mouthing love, because I hurt so much. Maybe if Treize loved me too, it wouldn't be so bad, but it wasn't the case. I'd better go out now, to see them go down to open the gifts under the tree. Spending the night with Treize bunking with me was not the best or the worst experience I've had. I didn't sleep a wink anyway, too uncomfortable with him on the spare bed beside me to try sleep. I really, really hate going away, but what was I to do? I enjoy the sunrise for one last time, and then plan to go.  
  
"I told you I'll be borrowing your balcony."  
  
Treize. Oh, God, was this a punishment? Do I have to die every time I see him, die because I know I'll never say my feelings to him, knowing he loved, as I loved, truly, madly, but for another girl? I want to say, go away, love this other girl, just the way I love you. Let her run her fingers through your hair, as I have longed to do. Let her touch your face with caressing fingers, as I want to. Let her kiss you, as I...  
  
I turn away, too hurt to even think of looking into his wonderful blue eyes.  
  
"I have a gift for you."  
  
"Really? Thanks. I'll open it later." He steps forward, putting a small box in my hand. It was flat and fitted my palm perfectly. He tilts my chin up, so I can look into his serious blue eyes. Why is it he's been looking at me that way the whole time? Like he wanted to read what was going in my mind? I wanted to know him, completely, purely, his reasons, his thoughts, and his feelings. That was what all I wanted to do.  
  
Before he declares himself to be in love with another person.  
  
"I want you to open it before me, so I can see what you think about it." He smiles. "It took me a long time to look for it, so I want to know if you like it."  
  
"Oh. Okay." I undo the ribbon, and remove the top of the box. Buried under tissue that whispered as I undid them was a silver chain, from which hung a Celtic cross, made of silver too, slim and very beautiful. It was decorated with intricate curlicues and embedded semi-precious stones. It was an eighteenth century piece, and even I with my untrained eyes, could see that. "Thank you, Treize. I don't know what to say, but the book I was going to give you pales in comparison to this."  
  
"What book?"  
  
"An anthology by Kahlil Gibran. I thought you'd appreciate it too. It's an original print. I found it in this obscure little bookshop in Sanque."  
  
"Thanks. I know how much you treasure those books." He lifts up the chain. "May I put it on you?"  
  
"Uh...sure." I lift my hair, and he walks behind me, fastening the chain. His touch brought shivers down my spine. Though they were light, the warmth in them could not be disguised by the thick pile of my sweater. He moves to face me again, and touches the cross.  
  
"When I saw this I thought of you."  
  
"Why? Saint Milliard?" I quip, getting the wisecrack from him. "Always ready to sacrifice himself to the cold, as you said late night?"  
  
His eyes reveals hurt at the quip, and I turn away, so as not to see his eyes, afraid I'll break down and say I wanted him, in every possible way. Yes, even in a sexual way. I know he would be a strong lover, insatiable, tender, and yes, sensual, even without any experience of it.  
  
He catches my chin, forcing me to look at him. His voice was soft, his words clear...  
  
"No, Milliard. Because you are my salvation."  
  
"What...?" I stare at him, not believing what I was hearing. I can't be hearing this, can I? It must be a dream. But he feels so real. I can touch him, feel him. I can't believe this, he must be kidding. And what a cruel, cruel joke. I look into his eyes, but there was no trace of humor there. Instead, I saw a curious light flickering in them, there, as it had always been, every time he looked at me. I turn away, but he caught my arm, spinning me to look at my eyes. He touched my cheek, gently, then dropping his hand to my arm to grip it.  
  
"Listen to me first, Milliard. Please. I'm being fully honest to you now. Listen, please."  
  
"But I thought--" I swallow. "You're wait--"  
  
He shakes his head, putting his dark blond hair to disarray. How I want to run my fingers through it!  
  
"I'm waiting for no one else, please, I want to tell you what I feel for you."  
  
He's making it hard for me to listen. I'm half-afraid to find out if he liked me in any way, because if I learned he didn't want me as I wanted him, I'm going to be hurt, completely.  
  
"What do you feel?"  
  
"That I need you, Milliard. That's what I feel. I'm being honest with myself, so be honest with me too. Tell me if you feel the same way. Please?"  
  
It was my turn to shake my head. "Treize, I'm being honest. There can't be anything more between us than friendship. You know why. We're both guys! I was hoping, in a way, that it could be us, but hoping is not the same thing as expecting..."  
  
He was a brilliant strategist, and I knew that. But I hardly expected his next move.  
  
He spins me around and kisses me.  
  
He was warm, exploring me like he truly wanted to. I could feel his hands sliding down my waist, gripping my hips to bring me closer. His tongue seeked entrance to my mouth, and he gave me soft kisses to soften me into letting him kiss me deeply. His tongue twined with mine, caressing it, playing with it, stirring me. I kissed him back, holding tightly to his shoulders, clinging, afraid I'll wake up from this dream, this wonderful sensual dream...I was drowning in desire after that. All I wanted was to kiss him back. He supports me completely, as I finally broke away from his kiss, weak and clinging.  
  
"Can't...mustn't..."  
  
"Can--must." He shakes me. I feel so boneless, I melt to him. "I love you."  
  
"I don't believe you, mustn't believe you." I turn away. I feel so cold. I didn't realize how cold this balcony was before. Was it because I've felt warmth and love, at last?  
  
He captures me by the waist, tugging at my sweater's collar, exposing my nape, then warming it with his mouth. He kisses it, lifting away my hair, putting it over my shoulder, as he pulls me back to my chair, making me sit at his lap. He's so strong, even while I tried pushing him away, I knew it was futile.  
  
And deep inside me, I don't want him to stop.  
  
He leans back, taking me along with him. I rest against his chest, hearing his heart beating fast after our kiss. I stare in wonder up to him. Was he aroused by my presence beside me?  
  
"Milliard, what do I have to do or say for you to believe me? You know very well I'm not a bisexual. And yet a moment ago I wanted to kiss you so bad I did. At last. Do you know how sweet you taste? Do you know I want to taste your lips anew, and to play with your tongue? I'm telling it to your face. I want to make love to you, to prove to you I want you." He kisses my neck again. His words causes shivers in my spine, as his breath traces a path over the exposed skin. "I'm telling you now, that if you walk away, I won't be coming back. So better decide now."  
  
"Decide-what?"  
  
"If you'll let me love you. I'll take good care of you, Milliard. On my honor. Or better yet, on my love for you."  
  
Treize was saying all the words I wanted to hear, and yet a memory of doubt still remained. Why the pretense before, why the kisses, the flirtations to the girls?  
  
"Then why did you flirt with Releena?"  
  
"I wanted to find out if you'd get jealous. Do you know it was the worst moment in my life when you turned away from me when they put up the mistletoe? Do you think I wanted to mention Lucrezia's name? For crying out loud I was there ready to be kissed till I pass out, but no, you didn't pay attention to me. Then I made that stupid mistake. You should have seen how hurt your eyes were. I wanted to kiss and make up that same moment but I couldn't. Can we kiss each other now? And make out--I mean make up?" He smiled at his slipup, and I guess he was serious about it. In a manner of speaking.  
  
"You have a weird way of loving someone, you know that?" I try escaping, except that he tightened his hold on my waist. "You flirt with girls, tease me to another..."  
  
"You almost forgot, you teased me to Une..."  
  
"I did not!!!"  
  
He looks at me with serious blue eyes, asking me while daring me to say a good reason why I was trying to negate what he just said. "Then why all the references to Une?"  
  
"I--I truly thought you came here to see her..."  
  
"Even when she told you I loved someone else? Do you know that I flirted with the girls to see if I really am in love with you? I didn't feel a thing while I flirted with them. All I wanted to do was to make love to you, to flirt with you. But you kept turning away. Do you know what that did to my ego?"  
  
"It must have been flattened by a steamroller."  
  
"Flattened! Now you need to make up for those moments of hurt by kissing me right now."  
  
"I didn't say anything."  
  
"But you told me so much when I kissed you. You love me, Milliard. All you need to do is say it to me, those three simple words. I love you."  
  
"And what would you do if I didn't?"  
  
"Then I'll leave you in peace." He releases me slowly. "You have to decide, Milliard. I won't be here forever."  
  
"Treize, you are incorrigible."  
  
"So do not--"  
  
"--Incorringe me." It was such an old joke, but it showed how much we think alike. Was this a dream? No, I'm pretty sure I'm feeling the warmth from Treize right now, but somehow I can't believe he wanted me the way I wanted him. Can it be we did love each other?  
  
He seems to sense my thinking. He drew me close again to press a kiss on my eyelids.  
  
"I was speaking the truth when I said you were my salvation, you know. Dreams about you kept me trying to live." He sits up for a moment to capture my hand, and then held it against his lips, to warm it. "When I awoke, I was in a hospital, but they told me I was in a coma the whole time. For six months, I've been in the brink of death, but in there, in that coma, I dreamt of you. At first, all I saw was a fall of platinum hair, but then it grew clearer and clearer, the most beautiful thing I ever saw. Always I see this person leading my way through the darkness by the sheen of his unusual hair. Then I saw his face, one morning, and it was you. I knew then I had to go back to you. Do you know I've always wanted to touch your hair? I've wondered whether they feel like silk, just like what I imagine. Now I know they're even silkier than silk." He keeps on sidetracking, touching my hair, and I pull away.  
  
"Treize, you've forgotten something very important. We're not kids like the other Gundam pilots. We have to think about the people around us too. What would your mother and father say? Think what people who came from Oz would think--"  
  
"Milliard, I do not care. People who love each other like the way I love you don't think of such concerns, unless this is your way of saying you don't love me the way I love you. You have to say it out loud, Milliard. For me and the rest of the world to hear. Is it so hard to say those three words?"  
  
"The truth?"  
  
"Yes. Milliard, please, don't lie to me now..."  
  
I move away, to gain control of my thoughts. He was too near, he presses on to people's thoughts just by being there, solid and material. "It's hard to say because this is all so sudden. You suddenly barge in saying you love me, when all this time I've just been waiting for you to make the first move. Wait," I tell him as he was about to say something, "--there's more. It took you a long time to admit it to me too, I've noticed. What does that mean? It's been hard for you too, Treize, so don't expect me to get swept off my feet just because you said those words. I've got to think things over. It may sound so cold, after all your ardent professions, but it's the way I do things. If you truly loved me, you will let me think things over and I'll be happy to tell you my decision when it's the right time."  
  
"Milliard, if you're going to think it over, can't I take an active part in persuading you?"  
  
"How's that?"  
  
"There's a restaurant I want to try out, so if you would like to go out with me tonight, I can get reservations right about now."  
  
"A restaurant? Tonight?" My mind must've slowed down, because I'm repeating all of his words. What was wrong with me? Overcome with the thought Treize was going to take me out to dinner, like a date?  
  
Wait a minute...is this a date?  
  
I voice out the question, hesitation evident.  
  
"You want to--date me?"  
  
"Yes." A simple answer. The sincerity in his eyes could not be doubted.  
  
He is so serious about this. I'm almost afraid of the intensity of his complete devotion in winning me over. I want to stop, to take a breath, to think coherently, to do things normally but he's giving me no time. I guess it's just typically Treize, employing a blitz krieg attack when it suited him. I didn't think I'd be able to express my acceptance to everything he said just now. The word 'yes' seems so brief, so cold. Will he understand that if I said 'yes', it meant I said yes to everything he wanted, meaning love and everything?  
  
I finally find the right words.  
  
"Treize-kun, daisuki."  
  
And then he smiled, reaching to touch my cheek with gentle fingers. If this was real, I don't want to wake up anymore. I held his wrist in both my hands, enjoying his touch. This was all I know. It was this that keeps me alive.  
  
His voice was deep as he stroked my cheek, then traced my earlobe. "I know it won't be easy, and we have a lot of ditches and mistakes down the road, but as we travel, I hope we get to where we should be, which is a place where we can love each other completely, two souls communing in the deep recesses of silence, knowing that love was all that mattered, and that no matter how hard it's going to be, we'd be there for each other." He lowers his hand to my neck, caressing it. His eyes never left me for a moment, and turned a deeper, shimmering blue. "This is what I can promise now, Milliard. I will keep by your side as we travel down the road, and I'd protect you and save you as I could, because I can never stand seeing hurt in your eyes. Do you know that, Milliard? That I can't stand seeing you sad? I feel like I've been stabbed every time I see the hurt enter your eyes, especially when it's because of me. This time there will be no hurt, only love and laughter and joy. I'll give that to you, to make up for all the times, oh, so much precious time, we lost."  
  
And for the moment, it was all I needed to hear.  
  
"Treize, I'd want to travel that road with you."  
  
"As long as we're together, Milliard."  
  
I know it wasn't going to be easy, but still I can only dream of the things that would happen, as we explore the different signs of love on the way. But Treize was with me, and I know that even if it was so hard I'd think of giving up, as long as I have Treize, it didn't matter, because this burden would be as light as a feather with his love to support me.  
  
And we both knew that, as we smiled at each other in my balcony. 


End file.
